Monday's List: On Tuesday

My vanilla world has been a little full the past few days, so this week's Monday List took til Tuesday to exist. Oops. 

• Available Days: I'm not sure if I have any days open this week. Again, my vanilla obligations are a bit more full than normal. I may have some time open on Thursday, the weekend looks promising too. 
• New Toys: No toy shopping again this week 😞 But remember when I mentioned that affiliate program that didn't want to work with an adult website? If you're a new reader, don't worry about it. What you need to know now is that my blog & website were approved to promote a wicked cool adult store. The store is called "Love Honey". They offer a great points program, you get a # of points for each $ you spend and then you can apply those points to future orders.  And if you order from them using a link here  or on cassidycream.com  I will receive a small commission for the referral. Expect to see reviews of some cool toys soon.   I can't seem to put the link in correctly here.... 
  Making the right sex toy choice is easy thanks to real customer sex toy reviews at Lovehoney.com
• Nail & toe polish: My toes are still a navy blue, a pedi is on the agenda later on this rainy day. I'm thinking Goth Black. My nails are a really sweet rose colored glitter, but I've misplaced the bottle & I have no idea what the name of the color is. 
• New Projects: I have a couple of projects that I am super excited about. Neither is really ready for the big reveal yet though. At least one of them will be unveiled in the next few days. Come back & watch for it. 
• Ebook Updates: Ya, nothing to see here. That line on my daily To Do List has remained un-checked for days & days now. 
• Looking forward to (scene): I think, fingers crossed, I'm finally going to get around to taking some new photos. 
• Looking forward to (vanilla): I did get some of the work I had planned for the garden done when the weather cooperated for 1 minute the other day. Looks like it's going to rain forever now. No pony riding, and no digging in the dirt until it stops. I may build a fire in the fireplace one last time tonight though, it's really not chilly enough to justify it but I'm going to miss it over the summer. 

Some Random Tuesday...

It was a relatively quiet week in the studio last week, but I've been clicking away in the virtual dungeon. I did have a great session with the Took-10-Years-subbie mentioned in last Monday's post. Want to hear about it? My secretary slave did beg & plead, as directed, for me to share photos. I didn't end up taking any though, so his whimperings will go unrewarded.
Let's start with how does one take 10 years to be seen in person. Well one schedules a session on a Tuesday in 2007, and gets a flat tire in route to the session. One then emails Mistress apologizing profusely and sends a very generous apology gift. Mistress accepts the apology & the gift, and sub remains a member of Mistress's mostly defunct yahoo group. Shortly thereafter, Mistress moves far, far away with little intention of ever coming back to New England. Seven or eight years go by where Mistress does occasionally say hello to her subbie friends in aforementioned yahoo group. Then one Thursday Mistress announces she has temporarily returned to New England, southern Maine specifically, and she'd love to see some of the subbies if they're still hanging around. Then as fate would have it, a year later Mistress announces that she is indeed staying in New England after all and she returns to central Massachusetts. It would still take another year before Mistress found an acceptable dungeon space in Rhode Island, then a puppy would need an emergency trip to the vet on the day of the scheduled session. Finally, tires, geography, schedules & puppies would all get on the same page and last Tuesday; ten years later, let's call him sub q, would find himself on his knees in my dungeon.
Sub q arrived with a wrapped gift for Mistress. Let me share a little insider info here. I am always in a good mood when I am about to session. My get ready ritual lets me forget all about all things vanilla. When my sub is at the door, I am pausing a favorite song, taking a last look that everything is in its place & I am ready. A subbie bearing a gift though takes me from a good mood to a great mood. It doesn't have to be extravagant, a simple gift conveys that the sub is thoughtful and willing to go a little further to ensure a great experience.
My playlist for the few last weeks at the dungeon has been: Hozier, Take Me to Church, Milky Chance, Stolen Dance, George Ezra, Budapest, Prince, Adore and Neil Patrick Harris, Origin of Love. Go ahead, find them on Youtube. That is the right soundtrack to take one through undressing in front of a stranger and all that will follow. A stranger with blond hair down to her waist, a waist that's cinched to breathlessness in a black corset, who's  delicate feet are encased in silky stockings and who's toes are painted a vibrant blue. Undress, fold your clothes neatly and place them on this chair. You will be told to do it again if you did a sloppy job or if you're shoes aren't squared up and tucked under the chair. You will stand where I tell you and allow me to inspect you. I will look you over, my gaze is piercing but distant. Do I like what I see? You won't know. I will run my hands over you, at times massaging, grasping, my nails might trace a spot, I might tickle. I will do whatever I wish, and I will gauge your responses. I will stand too close to you. You might feel my breath or my hair on your neck or at your ear. And still, I am watching you, taking notes of your responses. No two sessions are the same, and this is where they diverge into their unique rhythm.  (Please note: , I won't actually share the details of a specific session without enthusiastic consent from the sub, so this isn't an actual recap of last Tuesday.)  Here is where one might find themselves blindfolded and being lead around the dungeon, watch your toes. Or if I suspect you will be a vocal sub, you may find yourself gagged. Oh, I still expect you to make noise. I expect you to say "garble, garble, yes Ma'am" whenever you are prompted. My favorite ball gag went missing so I may use one of my used stockings. If a flogging is to take place it will probably start during Stolen Dance, and continue through Budapest. If you are blindfolded for it, I am dancing through it. You can tell, the floggers will change tempo with the music. You will feel me step closer, my body move against yours. Sometimes my subs have requested tokens, marks and bruises, mementos of our time together. If this is one of those special treats for me, I will tuck the red and black suede floggers away and reach for the super stiff, long, purple leather flogger, the shorter black rubber flogger that feels like it was cut from floor mats, and the silver handled, thick, black leather that was a gift crafted for me by Master Paine. These are not supple. They will never be 'broken in'. I have many toys that will bring pain. Some that may be argued bring it more effectively or more precisely than this trio. But these are fun for me. The weight of each feels right in my hand. They each sing with a different rustle and whistle.  The purple will leave long trails across your thighs. I will likely use the rubber on your shoulders. The shorter tails lets me come in close without fear of wrap-around accidentally marking your face. The silver handled leather, if you've agreed, will stripe your bottom like a zebra or make a cross hatch that I can play tic-tac-toe on with my lipstick. And when you are breathless, when you have endured, but you can not take another moment, you might be rewarded. Maybe Mistress will let you collapse at her feet. Let you thank me. Let you massage my feet. Maybe Mistress will rub oil into your welts, it will feel both refreshing and throbbing. Mistress will bring you back to reality slowly but completely.  I will allow you however much time you need to come down before sending you back to the real world. I will see you to the door and you will know that you pleased me.

Language Part 2: The Modifiers

This is actually the list I had in mind when I wrote part one, which can be found here. These are the words I think many newcomers misunderstand. Personally, at least once a week, I receive an email from someone who misunderstood one or more of these terms. This wouldn't be a big deal. I enjoy sharing the scene with newcomers, and I am patient and polite when I point out what they missed. But about 50% of the time, the newbie becomes aggressive and rude. As if it is my fault that they are mistaken or that I owe them some accommodation that matches what they expected.  These are some of the words that modify any of the titles from the previous list.

• Lifestyle:  This is an often misunderstood word.  It seems many assume a lifestyle player lives their chosen role at all times. Some do, in my experience, the majority do not. (as an aside, Total Power Exchange or 24/7 are two terms that are more appropriate for someone living the lifestyle full time.) The term lifestyle more accurately means a person who is experiencing or participating in something Scene related in a personal, as opposed to professional, capacity. Just like any relationship, there may be gifts given, but it is not primarily a service being provided for compensation. 
• Professional, Pro-Dom/me, Pro-sub, Pro-Switch: A professional is a person who is financially compensated for their specialized service. Now as a professional dominatrix I believe I have a responsibility to maintain standards one would expect from any professional. Such as; returning calls in a timely manner, starting appointments on time, using quality tools, maintaining a clean workspace, and staying abreast of current standards in my profession. But none of those qualities are promised simply because one states that they are a professional. Have you ever seen a doctor who has horrific bedside manner? You may opt not to use their services again, but their poor business practices does not negate that they are a professional and that they provide their service for a fee. It is the same for a professional dominant, they provide their service for a fee. 
Fem-Dom, Femdom, Femdomme: These terms or variations of them, are occasionally used to simply imply a female dominant; but more commonly they mean a specific style of domination, that is female supremacy domination. Femdom, or female supremacy, is a subset of the scene. The players may enjoy any or all of the other fetishes within the scene, but they do so from a point of view of serving or being a superior female. 

• Fin-Domme, Financial Domination: It seems many newcomers, or at least the newcomers that contact me, believe this term to be interchangeable with 'professional". It is not.Financial domination is a specific fetish where the submissive wishes to be financially controlled by the dominant. They may fantasize about being financially ruined, about being blackmailed, they may fancy themselves a benefactor to their dominant or any one of an infinite variety of fantasies. Even though by definition the submissive is giving the dominant cash and/or gifts, it is not necessarily professional domination. The monetary aspect is the fetish, it is not compensation for a service. Many financial submissives do not want any 'service' for their gifts, and many financial dominants do not provide any service beyond a link to their wishlist. It is as valid a fetish as any other, and I assign no judgment to those that engage in it. At this time it is not a primary interest of mine nor do I offer financial domination as a stand-alone fetish. In other words, I will see a sub who lists fin domme as one of many scene interests, and I will decline those who only seek to be financially dominated. 
• Hooker with a Whip: I really do not care for this term, as there is an inherent component of judgment in it. The term has been around for as long as I have been in the scene and I assume much longer than that. It persists, I guess because it easily conveys the type of provider it refers to. As the name implies it is a provider who offers the services one typically expects from a prostitute and also some fetish component. There seems to be an assumption that escorts who offer fetish services may have unsafe practices that they may be scamming subs or setting them up for some nefarious act. Perhaps some also feel that their existence leads to newbies expecting professional dominants to offer services that on a whole Pro Dominants do not provide.  They may very well be, I do not feel that is any of my business. When I get inquiries for services I do not provide, whether that is a request for sex or a request for fetish I do not engage in, I simply tell the inquirer they would be best served by looking elsewhere. While I feel compassion for anyone who has been taken advantage of or harmed while engaged in BDSM play, each player in the scene is responsible for mitigating the potential for harm to themselves. Being inclined to be submissive does not excuse one from being responsible for their own safety. 

As I stated in part one, the definitions offered are my understanding of these terms as a professional dominatrix and lifestyle player. Some may have other meanings in subsets within the BDSM scene or in different regions. If you hear a term being used in a context that you don't understand, politely ask for clarity. 

Is there a term I missed? One you think is especially important for newcomers? Please leave a comment and I may address it in a future entry.

Monday's List: April 17th

Mistress had a wonderful Easter with friends and family that I do not get to see nearly often enough. I hope my readers and subs had the same. I am refreshed and eager to swing my flogger soon.
A week ago I introduced a new, regular feature on this blog. The Monday List, last week's can be found here. The following is this week's list:

• Available Days: I have time available Tuesday, Wednesday & Thursday this week.
• New Toys: Sadly I have not done any toy shopping. It's on the agenda to order a new ball gag, seems one of my favorites disappeared. 
• Nail & toe polish: My pamper toes are sporting a navy blue, my fingernails are naked at the moment. Before the day is over they'll be "Crime of Passion" red. 
• New Projects: I assigned Slave allan, a project that amused me last week. I must remember to follow up & see if he completed it satisfactorily. 
• Ebook Updates: I'm excited to share that my ebook idea came off the "To Do Soon" list, and moved to the "Off to a Good Start" list. A slow start, just 450 words without editing, but a slow start is still a start. 
• Looking forward to (scene): I have a couple of fun sessions scheduled for this week. If you ask nicely perhaps I'll share the details in an upcoming post. If you beg and whimper, maybe I'll post pictures too.  
• Looking forward to (vanilla): Gardening! I planted about 150 bulbs last fall; daffodils, tulips, irises, gladiolas and saffron crocuses. They're all poking through the soil, and 2 yellow daffodils are just about ready to bloom. This week I'll be spring cleaning the veggie beds and making final decisions about what I'm planting this year. 

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These are a few of my favorite things...

Two of my very favorite things are Mondays and lists.
I read an article 20 or more years ago that said a disproportional percentage of people die on Mondays. The author speculated this was because a disproportionate number of people hate their jobs. It's been a long time, I don't recall fact checking the article. Maybe it was all hokum, but it stuck with me all the same. It seems like it could be true. Mondays have always been my favorite day of the week. I vowed to never work a job that I hate and ruin the best day of the week by dying on it some day while stuck in traffic.
Mondays are the best day of the week because it's a new start. Whatever went wrong last week is over, on Monday there is the potential for every thing to go perfectly. Monday is a new notebook and a freshly sharpen pencil.
Which brings me to one of my other favorite things. Lists. I love lists. I am mildly OCD. At the start of the day I find my list reassuring. This is what I am going to do, and I am prepared to do it. At the end of the day my list with a column of neat little checks is a reward. Even items that don't have a check, items that didn't get competed, they're no big deal. There they are ready to be transposed to tomorrow's list. Without a list those items would bounce around in my thoughts and keep me from sleeping until they were completed.
All of this was to say I have a new idea for this blog, an idea that combines my favorite things, a Monday List. Each Monday I will post a list of what's going on in the studio. So without further ado, the first Monday List.

• Available Days: Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday
• New toys: Pink bouncy seat that I believe I have posted a picture of recently
• New Projects: Mistress is starting an ebook tentative release date May 1st
• Looking forward to (scene): a session with a subbie that first contacted me over a decade ago, but was unable to follow through at the time. 
• Looking forward to (vanilla): Trail time with my pony :) 

Busy Week in the Dungeon

I need to think of an actual name for the studio/dungeon. I'm a big fan of naming spaces. Nothing has stuck for the new space yet, and 'dungeon' just doesn't fit. While in a technical sense, that is what it is, it's not the look, feel or vibe I want it to project. It's a small, 2 bedroom unit in an otherwise unremarkable 2 family tenement. I want to embrace how small it is, make it feel warm, inviting, like a cocoon or a spiders web. I feel like the space shouldn't intimidate my subs, that's my job. 

Speaking of cocoons, my last session of this incredibly busy week was so much fun. 

All of my sessions this week were a blast. While each was totally different, foot worship was the reoccurring theme of the week. It seems like this happens often. For weeks 90% of the requests will be for a specific thing, followed by a few random sessions and then a new theme emerges. A few weeks ago everyone wanted to be spanked silly, and now it's all about my feet. After 3 other foot sessions this week, this one pictured was a welcomed spin on the theme. This sub had his own, total restraint, body bag. Inside his arms were slid into 2 pockets, completely immobilizing them. The bag has three zipper pulls on one zipper path, and then to be absolutely certain the subbie isn't escaping, there's a half a dozen buckling straps from the neck to the feet. It doesn't go over the head, just from the shoulders down. The multi-zipper pulls allows for the arrangement you see here; open at the chest for a little nipple torture and open at his bits because no matter how vulnerable one might feel when totally restrained in a virtual stranger's living room, also having your manhood exposed will take you a level even deeper. 

Last week was my busiest week in a long time and I am still a bit top high from it. 

Let's Talk About Language: Part One

In every pursuit one might investigate, there is a certain learning curve associated with learning the language of the particular interest. A sewing bobbin is not the same as a fishing bobbin, for example. Until you know what the unique meaning of a term is within a particular community, you won't be able to fully understand any instructional presentations and you won't be able to fully participate in the activities. In the BDSM scene specifically, not understanding the terms used by experienced players may compromise your safety or it may prevent you from meeting others best matched with your interests. Sometimes you can figure things out as you go, but this approach may lead to creating poor first impressions, or worse.
I'm going to share with you a few commonly used words and terms, and a quick definition of what I understand each to mean within the BDSM community. This is a list for beginners, just the basics for now. A couple will have multiple meanings, I will try to give an example that illustrates the context. Some may have other meanings within subsets of interests in the scene or may have a different meaning in your local community, I can not begin to know all of the possible meanings in those settings, so when you hear a word used in a context that doesn't fit your understanding of the word, politely ask for clarity from the person using the term. Take some comfort in remembering that everyone was a newbie at one time, and even seasoned professionals come across new to them terms occasionally.
Now, in no particular order, the words a new comer to BDSM should know:

• BDSM: Let's just start here, BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sado- Masochism. Turn to your dictionary for the definitions of each. Here understand that it is short hand for all the fetishes, kinks, quirks and activities that fall, broadly, under one or more of those categories. Some activities associate with the bdsm scene may not fit neatly into one of those categories, Let's use cross dressing as an example. Cross dressing might be used as a form of humiliation or discipline, but cross dressing in & of itself, strictly speaking, doesn't quite fit. Yet, in my opinion, I would include it under the wide umbrella of bdsm. Let's not get too bogged down in details. BDSM: adult activities that cover a wide range of interests, that typically include bondage, discipline and/or sado-masochism.
• Vanilla: Like the ice cream, it implies things that are plain, ordinary or uncomplicated. I don't know that is a fair way to think of vanilla ice cream or vanilla life, both do have their subtle complexities & some of us consider vanilla our favorite, but all the same, 'vanilla' covers anything that isn't bdsm/scene related. One might use vanilla to refer to topics that are off-limits or out of bounds in the scene. We might refer to our family, job, or our interest in ice cream, as part of our vanilla life. For some there is barely any line between their vanilla and their scene identities & lives; for others there is an absolute, clearly established, 20 foot wall between their worlds. Whatever your own divide looks like, everyone should show the utmost respect to the divides of others.   
• Mistress/Master, Dominatrix/Domme/Dom/Dominant: I'm lumping these together to streamline the list. They are almost interchangeable but there might be subtle differences for the persons choosing them for themselves. Collectively they are probably the most commonly used titles and terms for females or males who are---funny, I am having such a hard time breaking this down for the imagined new comer I am explaining it to, We might say they are used for the person in charge, or the person presenting as the 'top' either in all matters or in a specific scene, but neither of those statements are really true. The Mistress/Master or Domme/Dominant is the person in the position of responsibility either in all matters or in a specific scene.  There, that is more accurate. Of this list, I personally do not care for the term "domme". After 16 years in the scene, I am still not certain how it is to be pronounced, I have heard it said the exact same way as 'dom', I have heard "do-me","dough-me", "dough-may" and "do-may". It is intended, I believe, to be the feminine version of dom which is the abbreviation for dominant. I find dominant to be gender neutral, and the use of domme to be unnecessary and redundant. But some women in the scene seem to like it, so if you are told to refer to someone as such, do so. 
• Slave/submissive/sub: In my opinion, these terms are less interchangeable than the terms for tops. To experienced players they often imply very different meanings, but they are commonly used interchangeably in various representations of the scene. Each suggests a person who has considered and negotiated their interests and boundaries and who wish to relinquish, temporarily or long-term, some or all of their responsibilities to another. A submissive might enjoy receiving discipline, may wish to be of service, or any one of countless activities associated with submitting one's self to another. A slave implies one who has, or who wishes to, submit more formally to another, For me, it implies one who is in service, or is seeking to be in service, typically under a well defined contract, which may be short term or long term, with specific, agreed to, limits and responsibilities assigned to each within the contract. The term "Collared", would also be appropriate for one in an on-going, formally agreed to situation.
• Switches, Bottoms & Tops: These words, while they do mean different things, are more alike than any other of the combos above. A switch is a person who moves between these definitions. It may be clearly defined roles, they submit to Mistress X but they dominate Person Y. Or that in different situations they enjoy different roles; in public they like to submit, in private the prefer to dominate. And it may be that they wear these different hats equally as often or that one is a rare activity while the other is their primary interest. One is a switch if they say they are a switch, and they are free to define it however it fits for them. A bottom is one who is in the position of receiving an action typically for a specific act without any implication of ongoing submission. A good example would be agreeing to receive a flogging for a demonstration on safe flogging practices. The receiver, the bottom, might be a submissive, they might be a dominant, they might be an adventurous vanilla person; whatever else they might be in the situation they are the bottom in that scene. A top is essentially the reverse of a bottom. A person who in a specific situation is administering an action, directing a scene or taking the responsibility of the scene. Again this may or may not be the hat they typically wear, but they are wearing it now. An example may be a submissive who is partnered with someone who identifies as a switch. They may not have an interest in this position, but they have agreed to for this scene with their dominant. Or if we applied to the demonstration example given for a bottom, they could be a dominant but they are not this bottom's Master. Their responsibility to this bottom will end when the scene ends.    

When I sat down to pen these ideas I had for an entry, I had no idea it would be so long. I've only covered half of the words I intended to, and the entry is about twice as long as I had imagined it would be. If you haven't already, create a bookmark so you won't miss part 2.