What is Love, Baby Don't Hurt Me....

Oh that is a tacky title isn't it? While this sat on my dashboard waiting for a final edit, the placeholder title read :Insert Clever Title Here:. This had more edits than my average, about half were done while humming Tina Turner, What's Love Got to Do with It and the other, including this final was done while nodding my head to one side. If you're too young to catch the reference, perhaps you are too young to read my blog.  
I'm trying to write several entries for my blog and schedule them to post over the next week or so while I once again try to quit smoking. It's one of the things I find especially challenging to do nicotine free. With that in mind I tapped my friends and asked them to come up with themes to write about. My good friend and our psychic adviser, (yes, Princess Gemini Enterprises has staff spiritual/psychic adviser. ) suggested writing something about love within a BDSM dynamic. My first response was recognizing that it will probably be a really difficult subject for me to tackle at this time. Which is OK, Mistress sometimes enjoys when things are really difficult. Upon further consideration I decided that when your psychic adviser makes a suggestion you should probably listen to her.
I don't know that I am the best person to offer any insights on love. I love everyone. Sometimes I feel like people either don't take that statement seriously when I say it or that they judge the depth of my experiences of love and determine that I do not in fact know what love is if I can say with honesty that I love everyone. Whatever. What other people think of me is none of my business. I love you stranger reading my blog. I do not have to know you to know a woman allowed her body to be cut or split in half to birth you into existence. I do not need to know you to know that you possess an immortal soul, that just like mine is unique, perfect and flawed, vulnerable and resilient. I do not need to know you to know that while there is in fact no shortage of love in the universe, there have been moments when you craved love desperately and could not feel it, so let me give you a little of mine. I have plenty. I will not run out and I know no one has too much. What do I know about depth or love, I am a navel gazing, professional dominatrix, liberal snowflake.
Of course there are different manifestations of love. I would give you my last dollar. I would give you my last cigarette, yep even the one labeled, "Emergency-if quitting just sucks too much." Tell me that isn't love. I would not allow my body to be split in half for you internet stranger, but I have submitted to that for the souls that were entrusted to me. If love is arranged in a hierarchy, the love I feel for those souls sits miles higher than any other love I have experienced.  Let's be honest though, the profound love a parent feels for their child is largely one directional. Let's hope that those of us who are parents all strive to be parents worthy of our children's love, but it would be unhealthy if they felt for us how we feel for them. Further, that level of intensity is simply unsustainable if humans were wired to feel that for all other humans. While it is entirely a different experience of love, the love in a healthy BDSM dynamic in many ways, for me,  mimics those feelings. Perhaps the profound devotion is comparatively turned down, but then ideally it flows more or less equally in both directions. For me, whether it is within the confines of a single experience, a reoccurring arrangement or a committed ongoing relationship, feelings of love are always present. I screen my new submissives well, most of the time I do "click" with them, but I don't always. Sometimes, in person, the chemistry just isn't there. Regardless of how well we click, for the length of our time together I will feel protective, I will feel nurturing, I will strive to know you and to bring out your best self. It may not be the most intense manifestation of love, but it is still a feeling of love. Within an arrangement that is ongoing but perhaps informal, uncollared or otherwise a not committed dynamic, it is a similar feeling further enhanced by the familiarity one develops over time.
Which brings us to the last tiers of my love map. The love I feel for my committed, collared  submissives. I will give to my sub anything within my ability to give. I will continuously evaluate what I know to be best for them against what they want. I will challenge them to push themselves, to be their best self. I will do my best to guide them, to help them navigate their experiences and feelings. I will mentor them, and learn from them. I will as much as any one truly can, love them unconditionally.
And... I'm going to give you another peek into my personal life here. The love a dominatrix feels for the top she submits to. On another day I am going to write an entry about identities. I had yet another conversation about it this past weekend. I am going to write a voluminous entry on why I will correct you if you suggest that I am really a submissive, a switch or any term other than Dominatrix/Dominant/Top. For now I will explain it in the most simplest of terms. I am not a vegan, but I love carrots. I am not a submissive, I love my top. I have mentioned my vacation many times. I have mentioned how exhausted I was before I left. What I haven't mentioned, although it was probably implied, was how burnt out I was feeling. Months before when someone had asked me what I do, I had joked that I was a fantasy fulfillment dispenser. In the weeks and months that were to follow that joke started to feel true, and to not feel funny or silly or whatever feeling I had when I first uttered it. Perhaps the flow of love and energy between a top and bottom isn't quite more or less equal all of the time. Particularly with my submissive clients, but also to an extend in my personal relationships, sometimes I find myself saying subs are needy, demanding little creatures. I forget sometimes that we do not all have the same experience level. There are things I assume everyone knows, BDSM 101 if you will, but really there is no reason I should make such assumptions. Who serves whom in a BDSM dynamic? Who's in charge? When my feet are aching on a Sunday, after a weekend spent dancing in heels, when my phone rings and it is not a foot worshiping subbie but rather a subbie with a shoe fetish, what sort of session do you figure is going to unfold? Foot worship, shoe fetish, aren't they nearly the same thing? Can't I just demand this little bitch rub my feet like I need? No, not if one wishes to build a returning client base. As the top in my work and play, I am responsible for the scenes I engage in, I am in charge only in so far as I play within my own comfort zone and I do take absolute responsibility for my scenes. Sometimes the juxtaposition of the conflicting points of view is invigorating, sometimes it is just exhausting. Sometimes a top needs aftercare. Sometimes a top needs to say, here this is every thing I need, do you wish to be a fantasy fulfillment dispenser for me?  Our dynamic is still relatively new. It is a simple arrangement, that is completely free from vanilla entanglements. I feel known. I feel heard. I feel unconditional acceptance. I feel protected. That is the one that surprises me the most. It is a feeling I was unaware that I wished to experience in any significant manner. The practicalities of our situation dictates that feeling is largely only a feeling. I have a mandate to keep myself safe. I could swear I was doing a great job of keeping myself safe for the past 45 years and I didn't have any intention of not continuing to do so, but now that concept has taken on an entirely new dimension for me. I find myself contemplating it with nearly every decision of significance I make. For example, as I started to write this entry, and with each re-reading and subsequent hitting of the backspace button, I have asked, is this emotionally and professionally safe to share? Does it hurt or enhance my image? It wouldn't be terribly safe to tank my career. Particularly now when I am about to embark on some huge, I am so excited but still not quite ready to share, projects. Hold your breath you little mutes, and watch for the announcements. Are these feelings of mine reciprocated in a more or less equal flow? I have no idea. If I spent much time contemplating such questions I would have to consider if I too might be a needy little creature, and I do not have time for that much navel gazing. Quit smoking, make good choices, be safe; they echo sentiments I have heard before.

Making a First Impression

Let's talk for a minute about first impressions. No, not the first impression I will make on your ass with my crop, dial it back there bad boy. I am talking about the first impression you make with your initial message to me. 

The truth is, far too many initial contacts are just not properly presented. From experience, I do know that the majority will evolve into great sessions that I will enjoy, so I do not dismiss inquiries out of hand for minor flaws. I also realize that while I have screened through thousands or more inquiries over the years, the subs who contact me may be writing their first. And I am a pragmatic type of Dominant, let me give you some pointers. '

1. Use the contact method listed as best in the advertisement you found me through. Email is always my preferred method of contact. Every ad I place includes a link to my site, where one will find a simple, easy to use, form for submitting an email, or my email, cassidycream15@gmail.com will be listed for directly emailing me. Which is listed it typically based on the parameters of the place the ad is running. On a very rare occasion, particularly if I have had a last minute cancellation, I will run a quick ad that includes a phone number. It will state clearly, in bold text, sometimes even in all caps, TEXT ONLY.  As those who have seen me already know, you will have my phone number to confirm your session. You may call me to arrange future sessions. But if you're still a stranger, you are not to call me and interrupt my vanilla life. Send a text, state that it is or isn't OK to call you back at the number that the text was sent through, hold your breath and wait for my reply. I will get back to you. 
2. The right length for an initial email is 5-8 sentences. Less than that will not convey the information I need, more than that is a chore to read through. It should include an appropriate greeting. If you have been paying attention, you know already that I am not terribly caught up in titles. "Good morning Ma'am" is appropriate. Good Morning Supreme Goddess Most High Cassidy Cream of Tarth first of her name,  is wordy, silly and it doesn't impress me.  Yes, I am being sarcastic, but not much. Ms. Cassidy, Mistress Cream is also completely acceptable. So a quick greeting, next you should briefly state who you are. "I am a sub bob from ____, I have XX years of experience training with Miss So Kind and Miss Beats My Ass." You should state your primary interests. If there is something new you would like to explore, you should state that as well. "Mistress I saw that you offer sounds, while I have never experienced that, I would like to explore this type of play.". If this is your first exploration, there is no need to withhold that information. I have said it many times, I love sessioning with newbies. Finally, you should state when you are hoping to schedule our session and if needed, state any restrictions there may be when contacting you. Notice I didn't mention asking for more pictures, or asking for details of what normally happens in a session. I prefer to contain my exposure online. I share enough photos that I am confident they convey that I do not look like an ogre and to session with me, that is all you need to know in advance. I am a 44-year-old woman who works in the adult industry, my self-confidence is justified. If you would like to session with a super model, might I suggest that you change your search criteria and find a Domme in her 20s? We each have different priorities, those who serve me should prioritize experience. Do not ask for details about a session. We can arrange a phone, skype or online session if you are nervous about serving in person. Every session is unique, the only way to know what your session will be like is to experience it. Finally, you may ask if I have a specific piece of equipment, you may ask about my sterilization techniques or any technical question that relates to your safety or well-being.
3. If you state that you want to be owned in your first message, I will assume you are a time waster. You may not realize you are a time waster, but the fact is if your fantasy is to submit yourself to a stranger, full-time, to do with as she pleases; your fantasy can not be safely explored and I am not interested. Here most who fall into this category would opt to insure me that they are not concerned about their safety. And this confirms that they are a time waster. My safety is of the utmost importance to me, and it should be obvious that signing on an unknown sub is not a safe practice for a Dominatrix. Further, I'm not terribly interested in investing my time in a sub who does not take his own well-being seriously. Now if you want to safely explore full-time, contract, collaring you may arrange a session. Mention in that session that your goal is full-time service, and we can begin the discussion about how that might work. 
4. Finally a few words about my tribute and the possibility of a discount. I enjoy sessioning with a wide range of people, I appreciate that some of my most devoted subs are those that my tribute is a significant financial sacrifice for them. I offer several ways my subs can make sessioning better fit in their budget. One will note that my per hour tribute drops substantially for longer sessions. The set-up time for me usually doesn't change for a longer session, I would prefer longer sessions so my tribute reflects that. I also offer a discount that can be applied as money off or additional time if a sub prepays their session in full. The final option is one that I do not typically mention in ads anymore as it attracted far too many time wasters. In my vanilla projects, I am very open to exchanging services with other professionals.  I am also open to exchange for sessions, with other professionals. That does not mean that you can wash my floor in exchange for a session. Every single sub I see is capable of washing my floors if that is what I desire. From time to time I mention what my current needs are if you are a professional in one of those areas I will consider a session for trade. 

Let's Talk About Language: Part One

In every pursuit one might investigate, there is a certain learning curve associated with learning the language of the particular interest. A sewing bobbin is not the same as a fishing bobbin, for example. Until you know what the unique meaning of a term is within a particular community, you won't be able to fully understand any instructional presentations and you won't be able to fully participate in the activities. In the BDSM scene specifically, not understanding the terms used by experienced players may compromise your safety or it may prevent you from meeting others best matched with your interests. Sometimes you can figure things out as you go, but this approach may lead to creating poor first impressions, or worse.
I'm going to share with you a few commonly used words and terms, and a quick definition of what I understand each to mean within the BDSM community. This is a list for beginners, just the basics for now. A couple will have multiple meanings, I will try to give an example that illustrates the context. Some may have other meanings within subsets of interests in the scene or may have a different meaning in your local community, I can not begin to know all of the possible meanings in those settings, so when you hear a word used in a context that doesn't fit your understanding of the word, politely ask for clarity from the person using the term. Take some comfort in remembering that everyone was a newbie at one time, and even seasoned professionals come across new to them terms occasionally.
Now, in no particular order, the words a new comer to BDSM should know:

• BDSM: Let's just start here, BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Sado- Masochism. Turn to your dictionary for the definitions of each. Here understand that it is short hand for all the fetishes, kinks, quirks and activities that fall, broadly, under one or more of those categories. Some activities associate with the bdsm scene may not fit neatly into one of those categories, Let's use cross dressing as an example. Cross dressing might be used as a form of humiliation or discipline, but cross dressing in & of itself, strictly speaking, doesn't quite fit. Yet, in my opinion, I would include it under the wide umbrella of bdsm. Let's not get too bogged down in details. BDSM: adult activities that cover a wide range of interests, that typically include bondage, discipline and/or sado-masochism.
• Vanilla: Like the ice cream, it implies things that are plain, ordinary or uncomplicated. I don't know that is a fair way to think of vanilla ice cream or vanilla life, both do have their subtle complexities & some of us consider vanilla our favorite, but all the same, 'vanilla' covers anything that isn't bdsm/scene related. One might use vanilla to refer to topics that are off-limits or out of bounds in the scene. We might refer to our family, job, or our interest in ice cream, as part of our vanilla life. For some there is barely any line between their vanilla and their scene identities & lives; for others there is an absolute, clearly established, 20 foot wall between their worlds. Whatever your own divide looks like, everyone should show the utmost respect to the divides of others.   
• Mistress/Master, Dominatrix/Domme/Dom/Dominant: I'm lumping these together to streamline the list. They are almost interchangeable but there might be subtle differences for the persons choosing them for themselves. Collectively they are probably the most commonly used titles and terms for females or males who are---funny, I am having such a hard time breaking this down for the imagined new comer I am explaining it to, We might say they are used for the person in charge, or the person presenting as the 'top' either in all matters or in a specific scene, but neither of those statements are really true. The Mistress/Master or Domme/Dominant is the person in the position of responsibility either in all matters or in a specific scene.  There, that is more accurate. Of this list, I personally do not care for the term "domme". After 16 years in the scene, I am still not certain how it is to be pronounced, I have heard it said the exact same way as 'dom', I have heard "do-me","dough-me", "dough-may" and "do-may". It is intended, I believe, to be the feminine version of dom which is the abbreviation for dominant. I find dominant to be gender neutral, and the use of domme to be unnecessary and redundant. But some women in the scene seem to like it, so if you are told to refer to someone as such, do so. 
• Slave/submissive/sub: In my opinion, these terms are less interchangeable than the terms for tops. To experienced players they often imply very different meanings, but they are commonly used interchangeably in various representations of the scene. Each suggests a person who has considered and negotiated their interests and boundaries and who wish to relinquish, temporarily or long-term, some or all of their responsibilities to another. A submissive might enjoy receiving discipline, may wish to be of service, or any one of countless activities associated with submitting one's self to another. A slave implies one who has, or who wishes to, submit more formally to another, For me, it implies one who is in service, or is seeking to be in service, typically under a well defined contract, which may be short term or long term, with specific, agreed to, limits and responsibilities assigned to each within the contract. The term "Collared", would also be appropriate for one in an on-going, formally agreed to situation.
• Switches, Bottoms & Tops: These words, while they do mean different things, are more alike than any other of the combos above. A switch is a person who moves between these definitions. It may be clearly defined roles, they submit to Mistress X but they dominate Person Y. Or that in different situations they enjoy different roles; in public they like to submit, in private the prefer to dominate. And it may be that they wear these different hats equally as often or that one is a rare activity while the other is their primary interest. One is a switch if they say they are a switch, and they are free to define it however it fits for them. A bottom is one who is in the position of receiving an action typically for a specific act without any implication of ongoing submission. A good example would be agreeing to receive a flogging for a demonstration on safe flogging practices. The receiver, the bottom, might be a submissive, they might be a dominant, they might be an adventurous vanilla person; whatever else they might be in the situation they are the bottom in that scene. A top is essentially the reverse of a bottom. A person who in a specific situation is administering an action, directing a scene or taking the responsibility of the scene. Again this may or may not be the hat they typically wear, but they are wearing it now. An example may be a submissive who is partnered with someone who identifies as a switch. They may not have an interest in this position, but they have agreed to for this scene with their dominant. Or if we applied to the demonstration example given for a bottom, they could be a dominant but they are not this bottom's Master. Their responsibility to this bottom will end when the scene ends.    

When I sat down to pen these ideas I had for an entry, I had no idea it would be so long. I've only covered half of the words I intended to, and the entry is about twice as long as I had imagined it would be. If you haven't already, create a bookmark so you won't miss part 2.