Language Part 2: The Modifiers

This is actually the list I had in mind when I wrote part one, which can be found here. These are the words I think many newcomers misunderstand. Personally, at least once a week, I receive an email from someone who misunderstood one or more of these terms. This wouldn't be a big deal. I enjoy sharing the scene with newcomers, and I am patient and polite when I point out what they missed. But about 50% of the time, the newbie becomes aggressive and rude. As if it is my fault that they are mistaken or that I owe them some accommodation that matches what they expected.  These are some of the words that modify any of the titles from the previous list.

• Lifestyle:  This is an often misunderstood word.  It seems many assume a lifestyle player lives their chosen role at all times. Some do, in my experience, the majority do not. (as an aside, Total Power Exchange or 24/7 are two terms that are more appropriate for someone living the lifestyle full time.) The term lifestyle more accurately means a person who is experiencing or participating in something Scene related in a personal, as opposed to professional, capacity. Just like any relationship, there may be gifts given, but it is not primarily a service being provided for compensation. 
• Professional, Pro-Dom/me, Pro-sub, Pro-Switch: A professional is a person who is financially compensated for their specialized service. Now as a professional dominatrix I believe I have a responsibility to maintain standards one would expect from any professional. Such as; returning calls in a timely manner, starting appointments on time, using quality tools, maintaining a clean workspace, and staying abreast of current standards in my profession. But none of those qualities are promised simply because one states that they are a professional. Have you ever seen a doctor who has horrific bedside manner? You may opt not to use their services again, but their poor business practices does not negate that they are a professional and that they provide their service for a fee. It is the same for a professional dominant, they provide their service for a fee. 
Fem-Dom, Femdom, Femdomme: These terms or variations of them, are occasionally used to simply imply a female dominant; but more commonly they mean a specific style of domination, that is female supremacy domination. Femdom, or female supremacy, is a subset of the scene. The players may enjoy any or all of the other fetishes within the scene, but they do so from a point of view of serving or being a superior female. 

• Fin-Domme, Financial Domination: It seems many newcomers, or at least the newcomers that contact me, believe this term to be interchangeable with 'professional". It is not.Financial domination is a specific fetish where the submissive wishes to be financially controlled by the dominant. They may fantasize about being financially ruined, about being blackmailed, they may fancy themselves a benefactor to their dominant or any one of an infinite variety of fantasies. Even though by definition the submissive is giving the dominant cash and/or gifts, it is not necessarily professional domination. The monetary aspect is the fetish, it is not compensation for a service. Many financial submissives do not want any 'service' for their gifts, and many financial dominants do not provide any service beyond a link to their wishlist. It is as valid a fetish as any other, and I assign no judgment to those that engage in it. At this time it is not a primary interest of mine nor do I offer financial domination as a stand-alone fetish. In other words, I will see a sub who lists fin domme as one of many scene interests, and I will decline those who only seek to be financially dominated. 
• Hooker with a Whip: I really do not care for this term, as there is an inherent component of judgment in it. The term has been around for as long as I have been in the scene and I assume much longer than that. It persists, I guess because it easily conveys the type of provider it refers to. As the name implies it is a provider who offers the services one typically expects from a prostitute and also some fetish component. There seems to be an assumption that escorts who offer fetish services may have unsafe practices that they may be scamming subs or setting them up for some nefarious act. Perhaps some also feel that their existence leads to newbies expecting professional dominants to offer services that on a whole Pro Dominants do not provide.  They may very well be, I do not feel that is any of my business. When I get inquiries for services I do not provide, whether that is a request for sex or a request for fetish I do not engage in, I simply tell the inquirer they would be best served by looking elsewhere. While I feel compassion for anyone who has been taken advantage of or harmed while engaged in BDSM play, each player in the scene is responsible for mitigating the potential for harm to themselves. Being inclined to be submissive does not excuse one from being responsible for their own safety. 

As I stated in part one, the definitions offered are my understanding of these terms as a professional dominatrix and lifestyle player. Some may have other meanings in subsets within the BDSM scene or in different regions. If you hear a term being used in a context that you don't understand, politely ask for clarity. 

Is there a term I missed? One you think is especially important for newcomers? Please leave a comment and I may address it in a future entry.