Where were you the first time you heard Closer by NIN? There was something familar in the porn-pop bass, but the way every space is filled with sound, if you heard it first in the 90s, there had never been anything like it before. If you were so unfortunate to hear the radio edit first you didn't hear, I want to fuck you like an animal. But you knew he did, because while they censored out the profane fuck, they left in the profound .... you let me violate you, you let me desecrate you, you let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you.
Help me get away from myself
I was contemplating thoughts like these while grinding on floor of Manrays. While catching moments of the other souls sharing this frequency it occurred to me some of these souls may very well been conceived while Nine Inch Nails provided the mood music for their ancestors. Then I blushed when I realized perhaps Trent was spinning while one or two or maybe more of my descendants sparked into being too.
I broke apart my insides, I've got no soul to sell
Yesterday was 3 Mother's days without my mother. That isn't entirely true, 2023 we didn't spend it together either. On the Wednesday following I called, I said I left you a message Sunday. She said I know, I was busy, what did you want? Shortly after my mother passed I had a dream, I think I may even have already shared it here, she told me now that she lives in my imagination, we'll get along so much better. That wasn't entirely true either. I'm currently pissed at her and not speaking to her at all.
I invited her to Manray once. Not this incarnation, the original back in 2000. She was younger than I am now. I must have been going with Mistress Lisa that night, not my sane Ex or that new guy I was lusting over. You know the artist that often rocked a Bowie in Labyrinth look. It must have been with Mistress Lisa. Mistress Lisa was the dad of a kid my little sister dated, and while I enjoyed her company, I was hoping to pawn her off on my mom. He was cool enough, but not my type. My mom loved a man in uniform, and hetero cross-dressers in the 90s really were just dudes in alt uniforms.
It's really easy to imagine an alternate timeline where she didn't say she was too old to go to a club that opened at 9p. I can see myself taking her by the hand, making her try on my latex skirts, convincing her that she looks great in fishnets. Come on, try the black lipstick, it'll be fun. Why not go out to a club that opens at 9p, we can bail if you're not having fun. How would that timeline unfold? If the sane ex was there that night, would my mom had acted like a high school bestie- dude you're breaking my daughter's heart? If new crush were there would the objections she had to him later have come sooner? I wouldn't have listen, my mother has always had terrible taste in men. Her objections would have made him even more irristible to me. My imagination holds no timeline that lacks the souls that sprung from that weekend, Fate had them lined up long before that weekend. So perhaps instead that version of reality lead to a Mother's day in 2023 where she told my little vanillas how their crazy mother dragged her out to fetish club when she was 47, can you imagine?
