Can you see that glow?
So Mistress spent 2 days in Richmond with her friends, and then jetted further south to spend time with someone special. Now Mistress isn't the kind of woman to kiss and tell, so you little voyeurs are going to be disappointed on that front. I mention it at all only because the traveling portion of my vacation greatly outpaced the visiting portions of my vacation. Over the course of 5 days, I had around 30 hours alone with my thoughts behind the wheel. I love time alone behind the wheel, I should pencil in these trips far more often.
A couple things that I have held as hard limits as a professional dominatrix unexpectedly crossed my mind for reconsideration during my travel time. I am the first to acknowledge that as a professional I am a pretty conservative dominatrix. Safety, in all forms, is always a top priority for me. I don't just mean the safety of a specific act, I also mean the well-being and emotional safety of my submissives. I play in many settings, with people I have varying degrees of relationships with. The one on one professional scenes I engage in with clients are in many ways more intimate than any of the other settings. What a submissive client shares with me is often what they can not share with anyone else. I strive to create an atmosphere without judgement, and for this I am rewarded with candor and raw honesty from my clients. When their interests match my own, an amazing experience unfolds. I love this about my vocation. The flip side of this is when a scene ends, my clients return to their vanilla lives alone. I am available should my subs reach out for follow-up or aftercare; but I can not usually reach out to them. I can not compromise their vanilla life to inquire if they're experiencing sub drop, if their bruises are fading (or remaining) as they wished. And, I feel like most people don't consider this component of a professional dommes life, I can not reach out when I need aftercare. Tops drop too. I am a verbose, articulate person. After play with my partners or friends I can say I need feedback, I need cuddling, I need a sandwich and my needs are met. It's just not an option after sessions as a professional. I strayed off subject here a little bit from my intended subjects, but I'm not going to edit.
Back on track now, what specifically crossed my mind for reconsideration was cold starts, and tapping out. For those who may be unfamiliar with those terms, a cold start is a scene that has been pre-negotiated and begins without further discussion when those engaging come together. Kidnapping scenes for example might be best played out with a cold start. Tapping out I imagine is a more recognizable term, using one's safe word, calling the scene, tapping out. Whatever one may call it, by tapping out I mean ending an activity because one has reached and perhaps breached their limit.
I have never allowed cold starts in my professional sessions. I maintained that it simply was not a safe way to play with a stranger. At the start of a session I ask my subs about their health, I reiterate the interests they have shared with me previously and I establish my boundaries & expectations for our time together. It has worked quite well for nearly 20 years, but it is not without flaws. I decline scenes that I believe I would enjoy if they don't lend themselves to this ritual. Transitioning from welcoming, inquiring behavior into the actual scene can be challenging for me even after all these years and I have always recognized that most subs have a difficult time switching gears too. I am an experienced player. My negotiation skills are beyond reproach. Why am I denying myself experiences I know I will enjoy? Do I trust my screening process? Is my faith in my skill set false bravado? Am I doing what I have always done just because it's what I have always done? I pondered those questions for many miles. I am ready to expand my experiences, and I'm going to offer cold starts when appropriate.
Tapping out. I instruct my submissives to use a traffic light colors for their safe words. Yellow if they need me to ease up, red if they need a full, immediate stop. I spend so much time on this pre-scene. To new subs I say, "As this is our first time playing together, for today only if you say stop, don't,or no I am going to pause. I am going to ask you for clarity, do you mean to say red or do you wish to continue? We will proceed from there accordingly." That's a lot of words. I have also always taken great pride in being able to say that the only subs who tap out in my scenes are those who have specifically asked to be pushed to their limits. I am now not only not proud of that statement, in truth I think I am a bit embarrassed by it. Subs are needy little creatures, they stumble in their nervousness and stutter when I demand they bare their soul to me. It is a rare day that I get a brave soul who can articulate that what they really want is to be taken beyond their limits, to be pushed to breaking down. Yet I do know, truly know, no one seeks out an experienced dominant because they wish to play with a kitten. Hard limits are hard limits, boundaries are for expanding. I am not a kitten. I know the limits of my gear. My tools are very much an extension of myself in my hands. Have you seen me swing? Why do I give my subs safe words if I do not trust them to use them? I play with adults. I play with competent people who have worked up the nerve to seek out what they need. I am confident in my ability to comfort my subs and tend to their broken selves. Mistress has expanded her boundaries. I wish to be able to say that the majority of my submissives tap out when we play.
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