Family and Community

Just over a month ago I was part of a conversation that included the statement, “My family will always come before the lifestyle.” It was a painful conversation. I tend to rapid fire, to have the quick comeback waiting to be hurled, and even more so when I am upset. I was able to partially temper my response. I was not able to stop myself from a request I continue to regret, but I was able to stop myself from making an untrue statement. I almost said of course your family comes first, water is wet, everyone's family comes before the lifestyle, my family comes before the lifestyle. But really that simply isn't true. I have mentioned that I have children here before, and of course they come before the lifestyle, my job, and my personal play. They come before anything and anyone on the planet. But taking them out of the equation because they have no place in it, the lifestyle is my everything else. The lifestyle is my art, my work, my downtime, my community and the regulars in my local scene, they are my family. 

A friend of mine, who agreed with and echoed my feelings, challenged me to explore that statement further. He gave me the standard, if over-used, if your actual sister and Mistress X both needed you, what would you do? I have an amazing relationship with my actual sister. I prayed for her to come into existence for the first 10 years of my life. We have never argued, we have never fought and I have never forgotten to be grateful for her existence. I have known Mistress X for less than a year, but she is my sister. My kitten, Hazey, calls her mommy. Around 2am on any given Sunday you will find Mistress X and I on the back porch of Twizted Acres discussing the progress our shared prodigy is making. We compare strategies for balancing our vanilla and scene lives. As experienced players in the scene, we have shared our thoughts on what our responsibilities are to new explorers, and what our accountability is to our community. While I never prayed to have Mistress X come into my life, I am blessed that she did. She is my sister. If my biological sister and Mistress X needed a thing from me at the same time, the only viable solution would be to assess which one's need was more urgent so I might resolve one and then give my attention to the other. Do I feel that way about everyone in my local scene? Of course not, but neither do I feel about all of my biological relations the way I do about my sister. Mistress X is my peer, my equal, please don't make me say what I would do if Hazey and my sister needed a thing from me at the same moment. 

I have witnessed some things in the past few months I feel compelled to speak on, yet I hesitate because protecting the privacy of others is very important to me. I do not wish to spread gossip, nor do I wish to fan flames that in many cases are finally beginning to die down. But the scene is my everything else, and I do feel I hold a responsibility to protect it and preserve it. So rather than share the stories, let me just share the takeaways. 

• BDSM is not all call me Master/Mistress and do as you're told. 
• BDSM 101: if there isn't consent, it is abuse. That statement applies equally to the way we talk to each other as it does to the way we touch each other. 
• We call this play, but we need to recognize that we are each real humans, with real feelings and we sometimes bring to our play real baggage that needs to be unpacked and that is work. 
• Subs can be manipulative and abusive too. Expecting things from your top that you have been told is not available is manipulative. Consenting to things that you do not wish to do, is abusive. 
• One should think long and hard before asking to be released. One should never asked to be released as a way of testing their top's devotion. 
• No matter the circumstance, if a top recognizes it is time to end a dynamic or has been asked to do so, the top is obligated to do so with kindness, grace and gratitude. No matter what. 
• When you recognize you have made a mistake, make amends, seek council in your peers if needed and ask for forgiveness from whomever you have wronged- no matter your station or your title. 
• Your interpersonal skills are more important than how well you swing a flogger or how many whacks of a rod you can withstand. 
• You should invest in, maintain and value your reputation more than your gear bag. 

If you claim to be anything in the scene other than a newbie setting out to explore, these concepts or similar should be part of your core ethics no matter what side of the flogger you enjoy.

If you are player in the scene, you are part of a family. My family, our family, even if you are that distant cousin that we only see at the big events. Not everyone has the luxury of being able to be all out, and not everyone wishes to be out. That's OK. The scene is our home, and those of us who are out, we hold your space when you aren't here.  If you play responsibly, and ethically, no matter your kink and no matter how infrequently you visit, I will have your back. If you lie, if you put others at risk I will call you out and you will be asked to leave no matter how frequently you visit, no matter what title you claim. This is our home, you will not disrespect it.