What is Love, Baby Don't Hurt Me....

Oh that is a tacky title isn't it? While this sat on my dashboard waiting for a final edit, the placeholder title read :Insert Clever Title Here:. This had more edits than my average, about half were done while humming Tina Turner, What's Love Got to Do with It and the other, including this final was done while nodding my head to one side. If you're too young to catch the reference, perhaps you are too young to read my blog.  
I'm trying to write several entries for my blog and schedule them to post over the next week or so while I once again try to quit smoking. It's one of the things I find especially challenging to do nicotine free. With that in mind I tapped my friends and asked them to come up with themes to write about. My good friend and our psychic adviser, (yes, Princess Gemini Enterprises has staff spiritual/psychic adviser. ) suggested writing something about love within a BDSM dynamic. My first response was recognizing that it will probably be a really difficult subject for me to tackle at this time. Which is OK, Mistress sometimes enjoys when things are really difficult. Upon further consideration I decided that when your psychic adviser makes a suggestion you should probably listen to her.
I don't know that I am the best person to offer any insights on love. I love everyone. Sometimes I feel like people either don't take that statement seriously when I say it or that they judge the depth of my experiences of love and determine that I do not in fact know what love is if I can say with honesty that I love everyone. Whatever. What other people think of me is none of my business. I love you stranger reading my blog. I do not have to know you to know a woman allowed her body to be cut or split in half to birth you into existence. I do not need to know you to know that you possess an immortal soul, that just like mine is unique, perfect and flawed, vulnerable and resilient. I do not need to know you to know that while there is in fact no shortage of love in the universe, there have been moments when you craved love desperately and could not feel it, so let me give you a little of mine. I have plenty. I will not run out and I know no one has too much. What do I know about depth or love, I am a navel gazing, professional dominatrix, liberal snowflake.
Of course there are different manifestations of love. I would give you my last dollar. I would give you my last cigarette, yep even the one labeled, "Emergency-if quitting just sucks too much." Tell me that isn't love. I would not allow my body to be split in half for you internet stranger, but I have submitted to that for the souls that were entrusted to me. If love is arranged in a hierarchy, the love I feel for those souls sits miles higher than any other love I have experienced.  Let's be honest though, the profound love a parent feels for their child is largely one directional. Let's hope that those of us who are parents all strive to be parents worthy of our children's love, but it would be unhealthy if they felt for us how we feel for them. Further, that level of intensity is simply unsustainable if humans were wired to feel that for all other humans. While it is entirely a different experience of love, the love in a healthy BDSM dynamic in many ways, for me,  mimics those feelings. Perhaps the profound devotion is comparatively turned down, but then ideally it flows more or less equally in both directions. For me, whether it is within the confines of a single experience, a reoccurring arrangement or a committed ongoing relationship, feelings of love are always present. I screen my new submissives well, most of the time I do "click" with them, but I don't always. Sometimes, in person, the chemistry just isn't there. Regardless of how well we click, for the length of our time together I will feel protective, I will feel nurturing, I will strive to know you and to bring out your best self. It may not be the most intense manifestation of love, but it is still a feeling of love. Within an arrangement that is ongoing but perhaps informal, uncollared or otherwise a not committed dynamic, it is a similar feeling further enhanced by the familiarity one develops over time.
Which brings us to the last tiers of my love map. The love I feel for my committed, collared  submissives. I will give to my sub anything within my ability to give. I will continuously evaluate what I know to be best for them against what they want. I will challenge them to push themselves, to be their best self. I will do my best to guide them, to help them navigate their experiences and feelings. I will mentor them, and learn from them. I will as much as any one truly can, love them unconditionally.
And... I'm going to give you another peek into my personal life here. The love a dominatrix feels for the top she submits to. On another day I am going to write an entry about identities. I had yet another conversation about it this past weekend. I am going to write a voluminous entry on why I will correct you if you suggest that I am really a submissive, a switch or any term other than Dominatrix/Dominant/Top. For now I will explain it in the most simplest of terms. I am not a vegan, but I love carrots. I am not a submissive, I love my top. I have mentioned my vacation many times. I have mentioned how exhausted I was before I left. What I haven't mentioned, although it was probably implied, was how burnt out I was feeling. Months before when someone had asked me what I do, I had joked that I was a fantasy fulfillment dispenser. In the weeks and months that were to follow that joke started to feel true, and to not feel funny or silly or whatever feeling I had when I first uttered it. Perhaps the flow of love and energy between a top and bottom isn't quite more or less equal all of the time. Particularly with my submissive clients, but also to an extend in my personal relationships, sometimes I find myself saying subs are needy, demanding little creatures. I forget sometimes that we do not all have the same experience level. There are things I assume everyone knows, BDSM 101 if you will, but really there is no reason I should make such assumptions. Who serves whom in a BDSM dynamic? Who's in charge? When my feet are aching on a Sunday, after a weekend spent dancing in heels, when my phone rings and it is not a foot worshiping subbie but rather a subbie with a shoe fetish, what sort of session do you figure is going to unfold? Foot worship, shoe fetish, aren't they nearly the same thing? Can't I just demand this little bitch rub my feet like I need? No, not if one wishes to build a returning client base. As the top in my work and play, I am responsible for the scenes I engage in, I am in charge only in so far as I play within my own comfort zone and I do take absolute responsibility for my scenes. Sometimes the juxtaposition of the conflicting points of view is invigorating, sometimes it is just exhausting. Sometimes a top needs aftercare. Sometimes a top needs to say, here this is every thing I need, do you wish to be a fantasy fulfillment dispenser for me?  Our dynamic is still relatively new. It is a simple arrangement, that is completely free from vanilla entanglements. I feel known. I feel heard. I feel unconditional acceptance. I feel protected. That is the one that surprises me the most. It is a feeling I was unaware that I wished to experience in any significant manner. The practicalities of our situation dictates that feeling is largely only a feeling. I have a mandate to keep myself safe. I could swear I was doing a great job of keeping myself safe for the past 45 years and I didn't have any intention of not continuing to do so, but now that concept has taken on an entirely new dimension for me. I find myself contemplating it with nearly every decision of significance I make. For example, as I started to write this entry, and with each re-reading and subsequent hitting of the backspace button, I have asked, is this emotionally and professionally safe to share? Does it hurt or enhance my image? It wouldn't be terribly safe to tank my career. Particularly now when I am about to embark on some huge, I am so excited but still not quite ready to share, projects. Hold your breath you little mutes, and watch for the announcements. Are these feelings of mine reciprocated in a more or less equal flow? I have no idea. If I spent much time contemplating such questions I would have to consider if I too might be a needy little creature, and I do not have time for that much navel gazing. Quit smoking, make good choices, be safe; they echo sentiments I have heard before.

Ch-Ch-Changes

I do so wish I had delayed the last post a little longer, but I had no reason to think we were going to jump in this new direction today.
A while back I mentioned I was considering no longer sessioning with new-to-me clients. I could link to that entry here, maybe I will edit & add that later. It's late, I'm nearly out of smokes and planning on quitting tomorrow, not tonight.
It's been on my mind for some time. It's a huge risk. I love huge risks. But truthfully I would have stood on this cliff for a really long time, maybe forever. I debated this already in the entry I am not linking to now. I do enjoy seeing new clients. New-to-me and total noobs are equally cool once they're in my dungeon. The never ending advertising, screening, and the god damn dick pics I have to weed through from wankers & time wasters to get to the actual subs, that's the part I could do without. That's the part that sucks my time, annoys me, puts me off my lunch and really, enough already.

I'm not doing it anymore. 

Effective immediately. 

Did I really scare you there? Don't panic you silly little mutes. I stood on this high risk cliff for over a month because I was certain there must be a way that I can avoid all that noise & bullshit and still see new submissives. It presented itself tonight.
Princess Gemini Enterprises has been debating what to do with our Wednesday parties for some time now. I talked them up in the last entry, the one I wished I had delayed posting. Every word was absolutely true, still true even. Omitted was the part that Wednesday parties as they were are unsustainable. The decision to drop our price and do one price for all was made earlier. That alone was a brilliant idea. Maybe that alone would have changed things, but that wouldn't have lead to me making the announcement I made above. Without being a part of the behind the scenes of a party, the way this ties together may not be readily apparent. Stay with me, you don't have to see the way it all ties together you can just trust me that it does.
We will now be hosting a $10 Wednesday party every week. The whole crew will not be necessarily be present every week. We will each choose which weeks we wish to be part of the party and we (or at least I) will do it based on what we have planned. At Wednesday parties I will no longer be engaging in performance scenes, I will be offering private, mini sessions. This will be the ONLY  route to a full, one on one session with me for the foreseeable future if we haven't sessioned together before. My tribute will be greatly reduced, as will the list of potential themes. Both to be determined shortly. You will contact me before Tuesday if you wish to be considered for a Wednesday session, we will have our time together and if I wish to see you again we will arrange a one on one at my dungeon. I will no longer need to do excessive screening as you are coming to a public venue. I will not require a deposit, as I will not be going out of my way to go to my dungeon for a sub who may get cold feet. I suppose as a woman on the internet, my inbox will remain a landing spot for unwanted, gross dick pics but now I can delete without opening! If I don't have an ad actively running and an email has an attachment, I will know you are just a random wanker & not a hopeful subbie sending a simple candid photo so I might know who I am sessioning with. You may enjoy the rest of the night at the party just like any other party, there will still be vendors, a DJ, and bar. Other crew members may opt to do performance scenes as they wish and Princess Gemini has several other great ideas that will be introduced over the next few weeks.

Availability: May 6th-11th

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Language Part 2: The Modifiers

This is actually the list I had in mind when I wrote part one, which can be found here. These are the words I think many newcomers misunderstand. Personally, at least once a week, I receive an email from someone who misunderstood one or more of these terms. This wouldn't be a big deal. I enjoy sharing the scene with newcomers, and I am patient and polite when I point out what they missed. But about 50% of the time, the newbie becomes aggressive and rude. As if it is my fault that they are mistaken or that I owe them some accommodation that matches what they expected.  These are some of the words that modify any of the titles from the previous list.

• Lifestyle:  This is an often misunderstood word.  It seems many assume a lifestyle player lives their chosen role at all times. Some do, in my experience, the majority do not. (as an aside, Total Power Exchange or 24/7 are two terms that are more appropriate for someone living the lifestyle full time.) The term lifestyle more accurately means a person who is experiencing or participating in something Scene related in a personal, as opposed to professional, capacity. Just like any relationship, there may be gifts given, but it is not primarily a service being provided for compensation. 
• Professional, Pro-Dom/me, Pro-sub, Pro-Switch: A professional is a person who is financially compensated for their specialized service. Now as a professional dominatrix I believe I have a responsibility to maintain standards one would expect from any professional. Such as; returning calls in a timely manner, starting appointments on time, using quality tools, maintaining a clean workspace, and staying abreast of current standards in my profession. But none of those qualities are promised simply because one states that they are a professional. Have you ever seen a doctor who has horrific bedside manner? You may opt not to use their services again, but their poor business practices does not negate that they are a professional and that they provide their service for a fee. It is the same for a professional dominant, they provide their service for a fee. 
Fem-Dom, Femdom, Femdomme: These terms or variations of them, are occasionally used to simply imply a female dominant; but more commonly they mean a specific style of domination, that is female supremacy domination. Femdom, or female supremacy, is a subset of the scene. The players may enjoy any or all of the other fetishes within the scene, but they do so from a point of view of serving or being a superior female. 

• Fin-Domme, Financial Domination: It seems many newcomers, or at least the newcomers that contact me, believe this term to be interchangeable with 'professional". It is not.Financial domination is a specific fetish where the submissive wishes to be financially controlled by the dominant. They may fantasize about being financially ruined, about being blackmailed, they may fancy themselves a benefactor to their dominant or any one of an infinite variety of fantasies. Even though by definition the submissive is giving the dominant cash and/or gifts, it is not necessarily professional domination. The monetary aspect is the fetish, it is not compensation for a service. Many financial submissives do not want any 'service' for their gifts, and many financial dominants do not provide any service beyond a link to their wishlist. It is as valid a fetish as any other, and I assign no judgment to those that engage in it. At this time it is not a primary interest of mine nor do I offer financial domination as a stand-alone fetish. In other words, I will see a sub who lists fin domme as one of many scene interests, and I will decline those who only seek to be financially dominated. 
• Hooker with a Whip: I really do not care for this term, as there is an inherent component of judgment in it. The term has been around for as long as I have been in the scene and I assume much longer than that. It persists, I guess because it easily conveys the type of provider it refers to. As the name implies it is a provider who offers the services one typically expects from a prostitute and also some fetish component. There seems to be an assumption that escorts who offer fetish services may have unsafe practices that they may be scamming subs or setting them up for some nefarious act. Perhaps some also feel that their existence leads to newbies expecting professional dominants to offer services that on a whole Pro Dominants do not provide.  They may very well be, I do not feel that is any of my business. When I get inquiries for services I do not provide, whether that is a request for sex or a request for fetish I do not engage in, I simply tell the inquirer they would be best served by looking elsewhere. While I feel compassion for anyone who has been taken advantage of or harmed while engaged in BDSM play, each player in the scene is responsible for mitigating the potential for harm to themselves. Being inclined to be submissive does not excuse one from being responsible for their own safety. 

As I stated in part one, the definitions offered are my understanding of these terms as a professional dominatrix and lifestyle player. Some may have other meanings in subsets within the BDSM scene or in different regions. If you hear a term being used in a context that you don't understand, politely ask for clarity. 

Is there a term I missed? One you think is especially important for newcomers? Please leave a comment and I may address it in a future entry.