Another Round of Q&A

  Today we venture back to Mistress's studio to find Mistress Cassidy. Mistress has agreed to answer some more questions for us. The topic today is about general BDSM practices. In future Q and A's, if Mistress permits me, I would like to focus on just one topic. That way the people coming into the scene can benefit form Mistress Cassidy's experience. Also, keep an eye out for my blunder. Even with just asking questions a slave can get into trouble. I better get this started before Mistress decides to snap her whip

Could Mistress describe for those new to the scene, what is wax play?I would put wax play under the umbrella of sensory play. Wax play might take the form of simply dripping candle wax from a low-temp burn candle onto a partner's or one's own skinor it could be an elaborate scene of layering waxes, that one might sculpt, carve, peel or whatever your wicked imagination can come up with.


What are sounds?

 Urethra sounds are wands/rods that are inserted into the urethra. They should be medical grade stainless steel and properly sterilized between use or disposable catheters may be used. 

When you watch a BDSM scene on a video clip, when a sub is being flogged the motion of the flogger looks like it is only lightly caressing the sub. Is there a level of pain and discomfort for the sub during these punishments? 
 Floggers are made out of many materials from tickling fur to biting stiff leather. There are many ways to swing a flogger and a whole body's worth of places to land the swing.  I don't know what flogging movies you have viewed so I can't speak to what the sub may have been experiencing. My go-to floggers are a pair of red and black suede floggers with weighted handles. I have been swinging this specific set for at least a decade now, so they are well broken in. I can swing these so they don't touch the sub's skin but simply cause a stir of the air, I can caress like a massage with them, I can do thuddy, rhythmic flogging or I can cause welts with them. I often use them in one hand, doubling the impact. I sometimes hold them above a sub's flesh & just shake them so they tickle the sub. When I do two-handed flogging I might swing them in unison, I might do an alternating swing or if I am feeling particularly rhythmic I might do one forward & one back- I often goof this up after a half dozen swings though. I have several floggers. I have mentioned a few of my other favorites in previous entries. I have a short, maybe 15" stiff rubber that seems to have been made from the same material as a car floor mat. Again, a soft swing will just make a thuddy impact. A swing with some weight behind it will bring welts. I have a super stiff purple leather, that's around 30"s and I would love it except it has a less than comfortable handle. A heavy swing with that will break the skin. Then I have my silver handled weighted, black leather that has 24" or so fells. The handle is very comfortable, and it will also break the skin. I have paracord floggers, I had a beaded flogger- not sure what happened to that now that I am thinking of it. I have latex floggers in a range of lengths, including 6" nipple teasers. Material & swing determine how it feels against the skin. 
   

In a BDSM scene, do some dominants actually use bull whips, cattle prods, and shock collars? Or is that a myth?

 Some dominants use bullwhips. Some use cattle prods. Some use shock collars. At one time I owned an elastarator (gizmo used to castrate goats & cattle), and I used that several times before becoming annoyed with always dropping the itty bitty elastics all over my space & retiring the piece. I have never used a bullwhip, cattle prod or shock collar in a scene. My space is not big enough to use a bullwhip in, and I do not know a qualified user to tutor me in proper use. I imagine cattle prods & shock collars are probably similar to using a TENs unit, but I do not have any personal experience with either.
Have you ever heard of the term pervertable? And if you have, could you tell the new people to the scene what it means?
 A pervertable is a vanilla item that can be used as a kink item. I have a pair of paper holders, I suppose they were intended to hold phone messages or something like that- alligator clips on a spiral of wire attached to a weighted base. Since I use them to clip nipples, we could say that they are a pervertable. A feather duster is a pervertable, a leather belt is a pervertable. There is a song from a kid show that's name is escaping me that features a song called "Anything Can Be a Bookmark" and the lyrics go on to suggest you can use all sorts of things including your grandma as a bookmark. It's quite silly, but just as anything can be a bookmark, anything can be a pervertable. 

For newbies among us. Is there a difference between Femdomme and serving a Mistress?

There is or there isn't based on what the terms mean to the person using them. A Mistress may or may not be a professional Mistress, a Femdomme may or may not be a professional Domme/Dominatrix. One might serve, see or session with either or with a woman who identifies herself as one or the other. Femdomme sometimes means dommes who enjoy a female supremacy style of sessioning.

What is a Findomme, is it a fetish with fish, or a preference to dommes from Finland? ;)

Edit: I remember when I was responding to this Q&A with slave allan. I was in an incredibly cranky mood. I think that contributed to the less than complete response here. A findomme is also a specific fetish. From what I understand as it is not really a type of play I engage in, it is typically strictly about an exchange of money or gifts. The sub enjoys gifting, indulging, perhaps providing for his dominant and his dominant enjoys receiving. But it is also, incorrectly I might add, used as I described below. /End edit 

A Findomme is an (IMO) stupid word someone coined to described a professional dominant woman, aka a woman who charges you to beat your ass. While some women seem to embrace the term, and that's their prerogative, I find it silly at best. Forevermore I'm going to think of a Finish Domme with a Fish thanks to your question. I prefer the term professional, and the average person shouldn't have such a difficult time understanding that professional means one who is compensated for their service. But yet every day I encounter a new newbie who has to have that explained to him, who then often tosses an "Oh you're just a Findomme then and it's all about the money for you" at me. It's late now, I am overtired we may edit this before publication. But you touched a pet peeve of mine. Does the average dude believe that they can contact a stranger, include a dick pic and ask her to truss him up like the Christmas goose and light his ass on fire and that the average woman is going to jump at such a glorious opportunity? And if the average dude knows women who would, he should contact those women & not me. It is not "all about the money", what a ridiculous accusation; but I know of no one who loves their job so much that they do it for strangers for free. I love what I do as much if not more than any of my friends seem to love their job, it is completely reasonable that one of the reasons I love it is because I am compensated very well to do it.  ( I am pleased to say that slave allan was not punished for making Mistress think of a Finish domme with a fish)

What would you say was the most interesting thing you ever did to a sub with ice.
 The most interesting things I have done with ice specifically have been during my personal time not during a session. I have a bit of a thing for ice, I think I forgot to mention that a few Q&As back when you asked about my fetishes. I guess I have done a thing or two with ice in sessions that I suppose is interesting in their own right. I will use ice and my hot stones during a sensory scene.  I have slipped ice into the plastic-wrapped subbie burrito. I have fed bound subs ice when they seem to be overheating. 


I don't know if you're a cold weather girl? Have you ever done an outside winter scene with a sub?
 I am very much a cold weather woman. Also don't refer to me as a girl again. If I opt to on occasion that is my prerogative; you will remember I am an adult, your superior and your owner. I have not actually done any outdoor winter scenes. While I love outdoor play, it is especially challenging. I think it is in very poor taste to expose others who have not consented to be part of your scene to session activities, even if one is very covert about it. Finding a place that one can reasonably expect will be free from mundane by-standers is a challenge on its own, finding an accessible spot in poor weather is more so. 

(I am very sorry Mistress, for displeasing you by me referring to you as a girl)

Other than the obvious, is there very much difference between a male and female session?Truthfully I have not had a session with an AFAB (assigned female at birth) woman professionally. I have had a limited number of couples session with me over the years. In my experiences with couples, it has been that the male partner was the primary submissive and the female partner either wished to learn a specific skill and/or wished to witness her partner's session. So even in my experience with couples, I have not really played with a female submissive professionally. Women, in my experience, do not seek professional scenes. I am sure the biggest reason for that is women seldom have a hard time finding a partner who will say that they will accommodate their interests. Which I think is in a way unfortunate, and likely leads to submissive women having much less than ideal experiences with partners of various skill levels before finding a skilled partner that they also connect with.  I wish that more women viewed their fantasy life in the same light they view their other personal needs. I don't think anyone would consider seeing a professional masseuse, for example, inappropriate while in a relationship with someone capable of rubbing their shoulders. While a massage is an intimate experience, no one would think if it as cheating or straying to see a professional when one needs the skill level of a professional.On your FetLife profile, you have pictures of some custom made collars. How would an individual be able to acquire one?

 Those are collars made by Master Paine, who I have mentioned a few times here. If one was interested in a custom collar or other leather piece, they should let me know & I will relay the information. Master Paine has a vanilla life too and I am not at liberty to give his contact info to strangers. 
Post editting note: Master Paine has now, finally, set-up a Fetlife profile. He can be found their under the handle "MisterPeterPain". 
  This is a shout out for Kinky Social at http://www.kinky-social.com/user/MistressCassidy  Are you enjoying the site?

I am. I love Fetlife, I have been a member there for many years. But right now on Kinky-Social, as a new site, it is pretty quiet when I visit. If I want to post a blog entry or comment on another's post I can do so without being interrupted by private messages. I am certain that soon enough that will change as the site gains momentum, but for now, I will enjoy the quietness.What is the name of your website again, for a first-time fan? 
cassidycream.comOnce again it has been a pleasure having Mistress Cassidy enlighten us with her knowledge of BDSM. Please make a point of visiting her profile on both Kinky Social and FetLife and say hello. Just remember, if you wish for Mistress to continue contacting you please always be polite and respectful and that will help. I am leaving Mistress's studio almost unscathed today. I must never refer to Mistress with anything less than a woman. Not with a girl, never never again. If anyone has any ideas for future topics, please let Mistress Cassidy know, and if you ask nicely enough she might put you in contact with me, so I can include your query in a future Q and A. 

New Projects!

Mistress has a bunch of new projects kicking off next week, and I so want to share them with my mute friends here but I'm not quite ready for that....
Hmm- what can I share?
I can share that I am really enjoying the new fetish/social network being offered HERE. While there aren't many members yet, that's kind of nice. Meet the other first members without having too many groups, blogs & chatting to distract you.
I can share that I am actively looking for subs interested in being filmed. Must be willing to sign a model release and provide a copy of your ID, but face obscured is A-OK with me.
And I can share that I am officially adding ASMR to my repertoire. I have a short shopping list of items I'd like to play with, but  I know I could have an interesting ASMR session working with what I have already on hand.
Three posts in one week. Is that a sign of what to expect as the seasons change? I don't know, it might be. Hold your breath and stayed tuned.

More Q & A with Mistress Cassidy and slave allan

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Making a First Impression

Let's talk for a minute about first impressions. No, not the first impression I will make on your ass with my crop, dial it back there bad boy. I am talking about the first impression you make with your initial message to me. 

The truth is, far too many initial contacts are just not properly presented. From experience, I do know that the majority will evolve into great sessions that I will enjoy, so I do not dismiss inquiries out of hand for minor flaws. I also realize that while I have screened through thousands or more inquiries over the years, the subs who contact me may be writing their first. And I am a pragmatic type of Dominant, let me give you some pointers. '

1. Use the contact method listed as best in the advertisement you found me through. Email is always my preferred method of contact. Every ad I place includes a link to my site, where one will find a simple, easy to use, form for submitting an email, or my email, cassidycream15@gmail.com will be listed for directly emailing me. Which is listed it typically based on the parameters of the place the ad is running. On a very rare occasion, particularly if I have had a last minute cancellation, I will run a quick ad that includes a phone number. It will state clearly, in bold text, sometimes even in all caps, TEXT ONLY.  As those who have seen me already know, you will have my phone number to confirm your session. You may call me to arrange future sessions. But if you're still a stranger, you are not to call me and interrupt my vanilla life. Send a text, state that it is or isn't OK to call you back at the number that the text was sent through, hold your breath and wait for my reply. I will get back to you. 
2. The right length for an initial email is 5-8 sentences. Less than that will not convey the information I need, more than that is a chore to read through. It should include an appropriate greeting. If you have been paying attention, you know already that I am not terribly caught up in titles. "Good morning Ma'am" is appropriate. Good Morning Supreme Goddess Most High Cassidy Cream of Tarth first of her name,  is wordy, silly and it doesn't impress me.  Yes, I am being sarcastic, but not much. Ms. Cassidy, Mistress Cream is also completely acceptable. So a quick greeting, next you should briefly state who you are. "I am a sub bob from ____, I have XX years of experience training with Miss So Kind and Miss Beats My Ass." You should state your primary interests. If there is something new you would like to explore, you should state that as well. "Mistress I saw that you offer sounds, while I have never experienced that, I would like to explore this type of play.". If this is your first exploration, there is no need to withhold that information. I have said it many times, I love sessioning with newbies. Finally, you should state when you are hoping to schedule our session and if needed, state any restrictions there may be when contacting you. Notice I didn't mention asking for more pictures, or asking for details of what normally happens in a session. I prefer to contain my exposure online. I share enough photos that I am confident they convey that I do not look like an ogre and to session with me, that is all you need to know in advance. I am a 44-year-old woman who works in the adult industry, my self-confidence is justified. If you would like to session with a super model, might I suggest that you change your search criteria and find a Domme in her 20s? We each have different priorities, those who serve me should prioritize experience. Do not ask for details about a session. We can arrange a phone, skype or online session if you are nervous about serving in person. Every session is unique, the only way to know what your session will be like is to experience it. Finally, you may ask if I have a specific piece of equipment, you may ask about my sterilization techniques or any technical question that relates to your safety or well-being.
3. If you state that you want to be owned in your first message, I will assume you are a time waster. You may not realize you are a time waster, but the fact is if your fantasy is to submit yourself to a stranger, full-time, to do with as she pleases; your fantasy can not be safely explored and I am not interested. Here most who fall into this category would opt to insure me that they are not concerned about their safety. And this confirms that they are a time waster. My safety is of the utmost importance to me, and it should be obvious that signing on an unknown sub is not a safe practice for a Dominatrix. Further, I'm not terribly interested in investing my time in a sub who does not take his own well-being seriously. Now if you want to safely explore full-time, contract, collaring you may arrange a session. Mention in that session that your goal is full-time service, and we can begin the discussion about how that might work. 
4. Finally a few words about my tribute and the possibility of a discount. I enjoy sessioning with a wide range of people, I appreciate that some of my most devoted subs are those that my tribute is a significant financial sacrifice for them. I offer several ways my subs can make sessioning better fit in their budget. One will note that my per hour tribute drops substantially for longer sessions. The set-up time for me usually doesn't change for a longer session, I would prefer longer sessions so my tribute reflects that. I also offer a discount that can be applied as money off or additional time if a sub prepays their session in full. The final option is one that I do not typically mention in ads anymore as it attracted far too many time wasters. In my vanilla projects, I am very open to exchanging services with other professionals.  I am also open to exchange for sessions, with other professionals. That does not mean that you can wash my floor in exchange for a session. Every single sub I see is capable of washing my floors if that is what I desire. From time to time I mention what my current needs are if you are a professional in one of those areas I will consider a session for trade. 

Puppy Play

Now that I am mentoring Mistress Sarah, I find myself revisiting my early days as a Dominatrix. What do I know now that I didn't know then? Where did I find my first customers? What did I bring to the scene and what did I learn on the job?
On my trip down memory lane, I recalled that my very first session was primarily focused on puppy play. All of my early ads mentioned puppy play within them. There were a couple of reasons for this. My business that went bankrupt a few years earlier was a pet store, I still had some stock left over that could be used as dungeon furniture and tools. Also, I had a better than average understanding of animal behavior and training techniques.  While areas of play that I was inexperienced with were a little intimidating in the beginning, I felt totally confident offering puppy play sessions. Many of my sessions in those early days included some puppy play, and it was quite enjoyable. Somewhere over the years though, it fell off my advertised interest list and now I can't remember the last time I had a request for it. It wasn't that I completely lost interest in it, I honestly don't recall when I stopped including it. Chances are I placed an ad that had a word limit on it, I edited it out for brevity and it never made it back into the next ad I ran.
Now having revisited it, I realize I miss those sessions. There are components I would add now that I hadn't thought of then and I suspect Mistress Sarah would find it an easy & fun introduction to professional sessions.
So I think I'm going to do some shopping this week. The first order of business is a good kennel. I'm inclined to buy this one:

It even comes in pink! Although it's out of stock right now, I'm sure if I looked beyond Amazon, I could find it. I like the open wire, I'll be able to see my puppy to ensure his safety and that he's not misbehaving while he's contained. 

 But then I was also looking at this one:

This is what I would use & recommend for an actual puppy. The molded plastic would feel cave-like to the pet inside. Actual canines appreciate a place that is all their own, perhaps my subbie puppies would also? 

Then I think we would need this: 

That's something I didn't have in those early days, but I very much want now. I wish it had some cheek spots to complete the look of a Doberman which it clearly looks modeled after. 

Then there's just picking up a couple of feeding dishes, chew toys, and balls to chase.

How many of my mostly mute readers have tried puppy play? Is it something you enjoy? Or if you haven't experienced it, is it something you would like to try? 

Language Part 2: The Modifiers

This is actually the list I had in mind when I wrote part one, which can be found here. These are the words I think many newcomers misunderstand. Personally, at least once a week, I receive an email from someone who misunderstood one or more of these terms. This wouldn't be a big deal. I enjoy sharing the scene with newcomers, and I am patient and polite when I point out what they missed. But about 50% of the time, the newbie becomes aggressive and rude. As if it is my fault that they are mistaken or that I owe them some accommodation that matches what they expected.  These are some of the words that modify any of the titles from the previous list.

• Lifestyle:  This is an often misunderstood word.  It seems many assume a lifestyle player lives their chosen role at all times. Some do, in my experience, the majority do not. (as an aside, Total Power Exchange or 24/7 are two terms that are more appropriate for someone living the lifestyle full time.) The term lifestyle more accurately means a person who is experiencing or participating in something Scene related in a personal, as opposed to professional, capacity. Just like any relationship, there may be gifts given, but it is not primarily a service being provided for compensation. 
• Professional, Pro-Dom/me, Pro-sub, Pro-Switch: A professional is a person who is financially compensated for their specialized service. Now as a professional dominatrix I believe I have a responsibility to maintain standards one would expect from any professional. Such as; returning calls in a timely manner, starting appointments on time, using quality tools, maintaining a clean workspace, and staying abreast of current standards in my profession. But none of those qualities are promised simply because one states that they are a professional. Have you ever seen a doctor who has horrific bedside manner? You may opt not to use their services again, but their poor business practices does not negate that they are a professional and that they provide their service for a fee. It is the same for a professional dominant, they provide their service for a fee. 
Fem-Dom, Femdom, Femdomme: These terms or variations of them, are occasionally used to simply imply a female dominant; but more commonly they mean a specific style of domination, that is female supremacy domination. Femdom, or female supremacy, is a subset of the scene. The players may enjoy any or all of the other fetishes within the scene, but they do so from a point of view of serving or being a superior female. 

• Fin-Domme, Financial Domination: It seems many newcomers, or at least the newcomers that contact me, believe this term to be interchangeable with 'professional". It is not.Financial domination is a specific fetish where the submissive wishes to be financially controlled by the dominant. They may fantasize about being financially ruined, about being blackmailed, they may fancy themselves a benefactor to their dominant or any one of an infinite variety of fantasies. Even though by definition the submissive is giving the dominant cash and/or gifts, it is not necessarily professional domination. The monetary aspect is the fetish, it is not compensation for a service. Many financial submissives do not want any 'service' for their gifts, and many financial dominants do not provide any service beyond a link to their wishlist. It is as valid a fetish as any other, and I assign no judgment to those that engage in it. At this time it is not a primary interest of mine nor do I offer financial domination as a stand-alone fetish. In other words, I will see a sub who lists fin domme as one of many scene interests, and I will decline those who only seek to be financially dominated. 
• Hooker with a Whip: I really do not care for this term, as there is an inherent component of judgment in it. The term has been around for as long as I have been in the scene and I assume much longer than that. It persists, I guess because it easily conveys the type of provider it refers to. As the name implies it is a provider who offers the services one typically expects from a prostitute and also some fetish component. There seems to be an assumption that escorts who offer fetish services may have unsafe practices that they may be scamming subs or setting them up for some nefarious act. Perhaps some also feel that their existence leads to newbies expecting professional dominants to offer services that on a whole Pro Dominants do not provide.  They may very well be, I do not feel that is any of my business. When I get inquiries for services I do not provide, whether that is a request for sex or a request for fetish I do not engage in, I simply tell the inquirer they would be best served by looking elsewhere. While I feel compassion for anyone who has been taken advantage of or harmed while engaged in BDSM play, each player in the scene is responsible for mitigating the potential for harm to themselves. Being inclined to be submissive does not excuse one from being responsible for their own safety. 

As I stated in part one, the definitions offered are my understanding of these terms as a professional dominatrix and lifestyle player. Some may have other meanings in subsets within the BDSM scene or in different regions. If you hear a term being used in a context that you don't understand, politely ask for clarity. 

Is there a term I missed? One you think is especially important for newcomers? Please leave a comment and I may address it in a future entry.

These are a few of my favorite things...

Two of my very favorite things are Mondays and lists.
I read an article 20 or more years ago that said a disproportional percentage of people die on Mondays. The author speculated this was because a disproportionate number of people hate their jobs. It's been a long time, I don't recall fact checking the article. Maybe it was all hokum, but it stuck with me all the same. It seems like it could be true. Mondays have always been my favorite day of the week. I vowed to never work a job that I hate and ruin the best day of the week by dying on it some day while stuck in traffic.
Mondays are the best day of the week because it's a new start. Whatever went wrong last week is over, on Monday there is the potential for every thing to go perfectly. Monday is a new notebook and a freshly sharpen pencil.
Which brings me to one of my other favorite things. Lists. I love lists. I am mildly OCD. At the start of the day I find my list reassuring. This is what I am going to do, and I am prepared to do it. At the end of the day my list with a column of neat little checks is a reward. Even items that don't have a check, items that didn't get competed, they're no big deal. There they are ready to be transposed to tomorrow's list. Without a list those items would bounce around in my thoughts and keep me from sleeping until they were completed.
All of this was to say I have a new idea for this blog, an idea that combines my favorite things, a Monday List. Each Monday I will post a list of what's going on in the studio. So without further ado, the first Monday List.

• Available Days: Tuesday, Thursday and Sunday
• New toys: Pink bouncy seat that I believe I have posted a picture of recently
• New Projects: Mistress is starting an ebook tentative release date May 1st
• Looking forward to (scene): a session with a subbie that first contacted me over a decade ago, but was unable to follow through at the time. 
• Looking forward to (vanilla): Trail time with my pony :)