God Sometimes You Just Don't Come Through

Do you need a woman to look after you? 

Tori Amos - God (Official Music Video) (youtube.com)

There's a post on Fet where I refer to myself as positively awful. It's in relation to my top, that I have been positively awful to him and yet he's allowing me to do this special thing I wished to do.  

I wonder how terrifying it is to be involved with to own an extraverted, exhibitionist who doesn't quite understand how to filter, while being a person who requires a high level of privacy? 

It is humbling how much trust others place in me.  

A few weeks ago, I caught a TikTok of a creator I follow talking about Kiwi birds. It was specifically how the Kiwi, who's roughly the size of a chicken, pushes out an egg as big as an ostrich's egg. Now, in quiet moments especially behind the wheel, I can't stop wondering if Kiwi Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge too. I wonder if she regrets her choices.  For the record this descendant of Eve does not.  If the price for knowledge is laboring as one does in the fields, check my receipts I paid for the unlimited and unabridged edition.   

I also find myself returning to, mental health experts will tell us we recreate our experiences, particularly traumatic ones. That we find ourselves in similar relationships over and over again, because if we haven't done the work, our subconscious finds comfort in them. New age gurus, manifestation experts, your mom's woohoo hippie bullsh*t, tell us that we can only attract what we are a vibrational match to. 

Aren't both just a more palatable way of saying, she was asking for it? 

Positively awful was shorthand for wicked human, totes lame and mundane. It turns out, stay with me, this is going to be shocking. When your partner/top/whatever-you-call-your-person is involved with another who you recognize as every bit as beautiful as yourself, wicked bright, clever and perhaps way more humble than you, long sleeping insecurities will wake right the fuck up. 

Who knew? 

Guess what else comes with them? Coping strategies that haven't been used in just as long, even the awful ones. It will spark a chain reaction. 100% probability you'll be met with equally human, totes lame, and not terribly healthy responses. 

Sometimes there is such comfort in the familiar.  

Of course, eventually, familiarity breeds contempt. 

Dahlia and I once penned our own version of if you give a Mouse a Cookie. Someday we'll collab again and put it in ink. 

So that you can pack appropriately, you should know that you are going to time travel with me. Hope you're quick, we're leaving right now. See Write a blog post is on tomorrow's To Do List. The list is nearly finished. I want to add a couple stickers to jazz it up and then it will be Ta Done, and I will be ready to navigate a Wednesday. Tomorrow I'll take a contrasting color, probably gold, I'm using a black journal currently, and start checking things off. Except maybe we're checking Write a blog post off a day early. I opt to keep a couple bags always packed, one never knows when you can squeeze in an extra workout or meet a two-headed alien at a costume party. I find I just have a better time when I feel prepared for anything.

Tomorrow I'm meeting with a life coach. I sort of love this. It is very much in-line with my manifested, bliss-following, fantasy life I live. Also, I am more than just a little scared. Can I be completely honest, my terror is growing exponentially. 

What a silly thing to be afraid of, right? Wand flick, ridiculous. What a silly, privileged, bougie thing to cause me fear, expecto patronus. 

When I say I love to be watched, to overshare, to go ahead and just get naked right here, it really should be understood that I only mean in spaces where it is safe to do so. I only mean with people who are going to meet me with kindness or perhaps respectful curiosity. While I have never met with a life coach, I am pretty certain she is going to ask me what I do for a living. Bet she'll ask me about my relationships too. Well no, I bet she'll ask if I have A Relationship, singular and with a capitol R. Then I'll get to decide, on the spot, is this person safe to say that I work in the adult industry? I'll get to calculate how apt it is that I'll find acceptance or at least graceful neutrality, if I disclose that I have several intimate partners. And if I miscalculate, are my damage control skills up-to-snuff these days? Not really living close to the bone anymore, after all I'm in a place on my journey where I can access a life coach.  

How little can I share, but still access the benefits of seeing a Life Coach?

What does guarded authenticity look like?

This isn't my first rodeo. Typically, these moments work themselves out really well. It makes a lasting impression when a jaw drop is the first piece of info you share about yourself. More often than not, a positive lasting impression.  But sometimes it doesn't go well.  Several years ago, I made my new neighbor cry when I told her I was a dominatrix. Nothing I could say would reassure her that I wasn't a victim of the patriarchy or of trafficking. It was nearly impossible to quiet my imagination that was continuously reminding me the many ways she might try to save me and my family. 

This will not go like that. Tomorrow I am going to giggle about how unjustified my worry was today. 

I Know Lots of People are Smarter than Me...

 

But I have this philosophy,
So what?

Let's shares.

Wanna hear the funny from last weekend? This picture was taken maybe an hour before this story takes place. I made a packie run. Well not really, I made a caffeine run I just wanted to use the term packie. It's been a while since I've been home. Anyway, I jetted to a local convenience store to pick up the contraband. The woman working the counter greeted me like we were down south. Big smile, bright eyes, lashes flashing, good morning can I help you find anything. 

Again, in Virginia, it would have felt normal. In New Hampshire, early on a Sunday morning, it felt suspicious.  Now I'm checking out, she's a cutie, maybe late 20s. She's still all smiles, I think she must be a transplant. Bet she's a southerner, wonder how she wound up here? The culture shock must be so jarring. She rings me up, we exchange currency and a strangely awkward moment. As I'm walking out she stammers a bit and says, I love your shirt. I said thank you and went on with my day. It was an hour later before remembered I was wearing my, I just look straight shirt. Ya know, the one I bought specifically to be an ice breaker when I'm trying to figure out how flirting with women works. 

Oh well, there will be other cute, brave kittens and I won't fail to notice the one destined to be a good match, right? 

Perhaps I should have quoted Lita Ford for our Dance, cum or meditate tune this week.

Our tea party was fucking amazing. We had some snafus, a couple major ones even. My co-hosts took it all in stride. It was so refreshing to collaborate with women with similar standards and work ethics. If needed we can be dramatic later, but right now guests are on their way, so roll up your sleeves and get this done. And also, keep it all in perspective. We're hosting a party. Our pleasure, our delight was also a top tier priority. Somehow with dozens and dozens of moving parts, it all came together and unfolded so perfectly. 

Plans for the next one have already begun. We'll be using a bigger venue, and expanding our guest list. It will still be a vetted, exclusive event but if you ask nicely and beg a little, I may be able to get you in.  

Earth Girls Are Easy (10/10) Movie CLIP - Cause I'm a Blonde (1988) HD (youtube.com)