God Sometimes You Just Don't Come Through

Do you need a woman to look after you? 

Tori Amos - God (Official Music Video) (youtube.com)

There's a post on Fet where I refer to myself as positively awful. It's in relation to my top, that I have been positively awful to him and yet he's allowing me to do this special thing I wished to do.  

I wonder how terrifying it is to be involved with to own an extraverted, exhibitionist who doesn't quite understand how to filter, while being a person who requires a high level of privacy? 

It is humbling how much trust others place in me.  

A few weeks ago, I caught a TikTok of a creator I follow talking about Kiwi birds. It was specifically how the Kiwi, who's roughly the size of a chicken, pushes out an egg as big as an ostrich's egg. Now, in quiet moments especially behind the wheel, I can't stop wondering if Kiwi Eve ate from the Tree of Knowledge too. I wonder if she regrets her choices.  For the record this descendant of Eve does not.  If the price for knowledge is laboring as one does in the fields, check my receipts I paid for the unlimited and unabridged edition.   

I also find myself returning to, mental health experts will tell us we recreate our experiences, particularly traumatic ones. That we find ourselves in similar relationships over and over again, because if we haven't done the work, our subconscious finds comfort in them. New age gurus, manifestation experts, your mom's woohoo hippie bullsh*t, tell us that we can only attract what we are a vibrational match to. 

Aren't both just a more palatable way of saying, she was asking for it? 

Positively awful was shorthand for wicked human, totes lame and mundane. It turns out, stay with me, this is going to be shocking. When your partner/top/whatever-you-call-your-person is involved with another who you recognize as every bit as beautiful as yourself, wicked bright, clever and perhaps way more humble than you, long sleeping insecurities will wake right the fuck up. 

Who knew? 

Guess what else comes with them? Coping strategies that haven't been used in just as long, even the awful ones. It will spark a chain reaction. 100% probability you'll be met with equally human, totes lame, and not terribly healthy responses. 

Sometimes there is such comfort in the familiar.  

Of course, eventually, familiarity breeds contempt. 

Dahlia and I once penned our own version of if you give a Mouse a Cookie. Someday we'll collab again and put it in ink.