Tell me do you think it'd be alright,

 If I could just crash here tonight 

Gin Blossoms - Hey Jealousy (Lyrics) (youtube.com)

There are probably thousands of more sophisticated beats we could explore the green-eyed monster with, but why? 

you know it might not be that bad, you were the best I ever had 

Let's overshare. That's what you're here for, right? Me too. I have a punishment waiting that has been promised to be brutal. Honest, humbly, hear my sincerity, I swear on all I hold dear there is no bravado in my tone when I say: bring it, please.  

I am terrified, but my eagerness to evolve is by far greater. Fear isn't a valid reason to avoid growth. 

He said, you're a smart girl, you'll figure it out. And the echo was deafening. It isn't such an original statement, but it was a top 3, frequently heard, most infuriating statements from my childhood. Last heard with significance when I was 23. I was about to make my lifelong goal come true. I did that at 23. It was actually like the third or fourth lifelong goal I was going to hit. Luck and tenacity creates an amazing life experience, but it also means you have to find a new life goal about every 3 years. Anyway, that one was, own a pet store. My favorite store, The Garden of Eden, was about to go out of business and for a fistful of magic beans it could be mine. I possessed about 25% of the required amount of magic beans. The asking price was so low, too low for a business loan. Besides did you hear me, I was 23 wtf did I know about business loans? What I knew was my grandmother had just helped out one of the other grandchildren, and it seemed like a good idea to ask her if she would be inclined to help me. She was not. 

and if you don't expect too much from me, you might not be let down. 

Twenty-seven years later, and I can still taste the contempt I felt at the unfairness and the injustice. I can hear my indignant tone, I'm being punished for doing well. I'm being short-changed because I am capable. Keep telling yourself you don't have a favorite, but you do and we both know it isn't me. 

Are we real time friends? You know how that story ends, right? I am a smart girl, of course I figured it out. Less than forty-eight hours I pushed all the magic beans across the table and signed the P&S for my lifelong dream of owning a wicked fucking cool pet store. 

cuz all I really want is to be with you, and feel like I matter too.

Notice how I told that story, not the one about how I threw a temper tantrum in the middle of the night over an event that only happened in my imagination. I don't mean a cute little pout, I mean the earthquake sized tantrum that only an only child like Veruca Salt and I know how to throw. 

Twenty-seven years later I've almost figured it out. I was an adult; my grandmother didn't owe me anything including an explanation. She offered me one, and I opted not to accept it gracefully. It really wasn't any of my business regardless. But since I imagined it was, since I linked these 2 things together, couldn't I have also recognized that if it gave my grandmother joy, or comfort, or sense of relief to help my cousin through a tight spot, I was fully out of line to begrudge her. How did I miss how repulsive it was to suggest my need was greater, or that I was more worthy.  

How was I demanding fairness, while living a blessed and highly favored life?