You Can be the Side Effect...

There's an extension of the last post on my Fetlife group. It isn't, strictly speaking, a required read. Just a lowkey flex, and with it out of the way, let's dive deep. 

How did I get the rest of the magic beans to buy my pet store? I made 3 more phone calls. The first was a red light, the second and third combined loaned me all of what I needed. There were two more people on my call list if they hadn't. I was a 23-year-old college and high school drop-out, a mom and a stripper. I had a list of people apt to be willing to loan me cash to pursue my lifelong (or year long, whatever) dream of owning a reptile store. 

It would be out of line for me to share the specific thing my grandmother helped my cousin with, but it was by far less whimsical. I doubt she had a list had our grandmother not come through for her. 

We could just stop here. I could just cringe over my younger self's entitlement, and I could go back to writing about my charmed life. But the universe issued another invitation to grow, and for real I want to evolve. 

Let's probe the wet parts and cut away the necrotic tissue. 

What if my cousin was my grandmother's favorite? What if she evoked the softest part of my grandmother's heart? What if my grandmother saw something of herself in my cousin? What if they bonded deeper? What if she loved her more? 

Want to hear a ridiculous thing that caused me to seethe with jealousy? My top and one of my metamours have jobs that are loosely in the same broad field. Their jobs are literally nothing alike. Actually, let me rephrase that, they are exactly alike in the way that neither one of them work in the adult industry. One day I found myself contemplating how neither of them have to pause when asked what they do for work. They can each say, with pride, what they do without any concern of how it will be received. Then my imagination, normally a quality I consider one of my best, ran with that idea. It painted technicolor scenes for me of my top and his subbie smiling while talking shop and making friends with vanilla people. 

I love my job. Most of the time, it evokes glee when a vanilla asks what I do. I only pause for a second before leaning in and saying something like, Do I look familar? I make porn. Do you watch a lot of sissy porn? You into pegging? Or I say, I kick boys, I make them cry and they pay me for it. Sometimes, rarely, if it feels unsafe to answer truthfully, I say, I'm a consultant. Politics. I'm having such a great time, I'd prefer not to discuss work right now. 

Why would it bother me to imagine my top and his sub bonding over a shared interest?

Jealousy may very well be completely human, and totally normal. 

Have you ever heard me suggest I want a normal, human, just a regular sort of life?

What if my top likes my metamour more? What if they bond deeply, passionately, with giggles and eye crinkles over their work? What if he likes her shade of blonde better than mine? What if she loves to iron, and has never sent a screaming email in the middle of the night over a thing that only existed in her imagination? What if he loves her more? 

It is fully, 100% none of my business or concern. But if my thoughts get away from me, if they demand that I contemplate such things, I will push back. I will refuse to do anything but celebrate that my top has opportunities for companionship, for passion, for depth, and for an abundance of love. 

And if I can't shake the noise with love and high vibes, I can always go kick a boy until I feel better. 

I decided songs about jealousy were boring ..Prince is spinning, and I've worked out 3 times.

Pope (youtube.com)

 

Tell me do you think it'd be alright,

 If I could just crash here tonight 

Gin Blossoms - Hey Jealousy (Lyrics) (youtube.com)

There are probably thousands of more sophisticated beats we could explore the green-eyed monster with, but why? 

you know it might not be that bad, you were the best I ever had 

Let's overshare. That's what you're here for, right? Me too. I have a punishment waiting that has been promised to be brutal. Honest, humbly, hear my sincerity, I swear on all I hold dear there is no bravado in my tone when I say: bring it, please.  

I am terrified, but my eagerness to evolve is by far greater. Fear isn't a valid reason to avoid growth. 

He said, you're a smart girl, you'll figure it out. And the echo was deafening. It isn't such an original statement, but it was a top 3, frequently heard, most infuriating statements from my childhood. Last heard with significance when I was 23. I was about to make my lifelong goal come true. I did that at 23. It was actually like the third or fourth lifelong goal I was going to hit. Luck and tenacity creates an amazing life experience, but it also means you have to find a new life goal about every 3 years. Anyway, that one was, own a pet store. My favorite store, The Garden of Eden, was about to go out of business and for a fistful of magic beans it could be mine. I possessed about 25% of the required amount of magic beans. The asking price was so low, too low for a business loan. Besides did you hear me, I was 23 wtf did I know about business loans? What I knew was my grandmother had just helped out one of the other grandchildren, and it seemed like a good idea to ask her if she would be inclined to help me. She was not. 

and if you don't expect too much from me, you might not be let down. 

Twenty-seven years later, and I can still taste the contempt I felt at the unfairness and the injustice. I can hear my indignant tone, I'm being punished for doing well. I'm being short-changed because I am capable. Keep telling yourself you don't have a favorite, but you do and we both know it isn't me. 

Are we real time friends? You know how that story ends, right? I am a smart girl, of course I figured it out. Less than forty-eight hours I pushed all the magic beans across the table and signed the P&S for my lifelong dream of owning a wicked fucking cool pet store. 

cuz all I really want is to be with you, and feel like I matter too.

Notice how I told that story, not the one about how I threw a temper tantrum in the middle of the night over an event that only happened in my imagination. I don't mean a cute little pout, I mean the earthquake sized tantrum that only an only child like Veruca Salt and I know how to throw. 

Twenty-seven years later I've almost figured it out. I was an adult; my grandmother didn't owe me anything including an explanation. She offered me one, and I opted not to accept it gracefully. It really wasn't any of my business regardless. But since I imagined it was, since I linked these 2 things together, couldn't I have also recognized that if it gave my grandmother joy, or comfort, or sense of relief to help my cousin through a tight spot, I was fully out of line to begrudge her. How did I miss how repulsive it was to suggest my need was greater, or that I was more worthy.  

How was I demanding fairness, while living a blessed and highly favored life? 

 

But that ain't gonna be me

I've got one life to live and I wouldn't live it no other way. 

Dirty Heads - Vacation (Lyric Video) (youtube.com)

That's so perfectly today's vibe. Cass is definitely opting to dance to this one. Just float, sway, and hum through my day. 

January was so challenging, unexpectedly so. I fully prepared for a great month, and the universe was like oh since you've got it going on, how about you deal with this and this and maybe this too. It's all good. I am a smart girl; I will figure it out.  Can you image how much worse it would have been if I hadn't prepared for a great month? Wait, no, scratch that, never imagine worse. Fuck that noise, my imagination is really vivid. 

Daily, daily, I get to do the sh*t I love upon the daily, 

Daily, Daily, everybody go and live your daydreams. 

Deep growth happens in the challenging moments. The challenge lasts a moment, maybe two, but the growth lasts forever. Or at least as long as the lesson is remembered. 

It's a new month, I love that as much as I love Mondays. New goals, new projects, and perhaps new invitations to grow.  

Guess what... I'm co-hosting my first event in, has it really been 4 years?! I guess it has. Date and details to be shared in my next post.