Should you find yourself awake at a ridiculous hour, a time people with active social lives may still be finding their way to a bed not out of one, and you hope to go back to sleep, the thing to do is not pour yourself a tall glass of caffeine, open the machine and start tapping keys. Ask me how I know.
It's a muggle Tuesday though, I did get to bed before the sun came up last night and since it is so quiet and still, maybe my navel needs some attention.
Growth comes from pain. I have said that many times in the past year, maybe longer. There's an entry here some months back where I use the imagery of a caterpillar turning to goo before emerging as a butterfly. I say it to my vanilla friends when they are having a hard time, and I am trying to show support. I say it to subs, teasingly, to encourage them to take a little more. And I say it to myself when I am pushing through what I have been calling noise and nonsense, but what could more accurately be called abuse.
Abuse within a dynamic is different than in a traditional relationship. That statement is not intended to quantify, it is not to suggest that it is more damaging in one setting than in the other. Harming another in any setting is just not cool. I will quantify though that intentional harming of others is infinitely worse. The potential for intentional harm within a dynamic is greater. We share ourselves more intimately. For bdsm play to be its most rewarding, we must allow ourselves, tops and bottoms, to be more vulnerable.
I do not wish to discuss physical abuse in this post. Within the community most understand that consent is the only barometer to determining what is physical abuse. Outside of the community perhaps it all looks like abuse.
Emotional abuse is harder to identify and I think harder to acknowledge when one is experiencing it. We may ask things of our tops that in a vanilla setting would be seen as manipulative or controlling. Our bottoms may share with us deep personal insights that leads us to feel compassion and patience for behavior that in another setting would not inspire either.
I have asked my top to hold me accountable while I quit smoking. If I disclose that I struggle the most when I go to a certain place and he states that I am not to go to that place, or that I should go to that place again, stop making excuses and try harder; neither is emotionally abusive. He has my consent. I have asked him to do this, and I agree to do it how he suggests. One of those suggestions sounds more reasonable than the other to me, but both are valid. If he were to suggest that I pick up a pack of my brand on the way, know they are in my purse and not smoke them, I would start to question his judgment. That would be far too hard for me at this stage in the process. Yellow light. But maybe he thinks I am stronger than I am. If he said, take it easy on yourself, have a smoke when you go there, it's no big deal. I would do it. I would thank him for it even. Then on another day I would ask myself if he really has my best interest in mind. Why would he undermine me like that when he knows this is a thing I need and want to succeed at? Yellow light. Maybe he thought it was being kind. Those last two scenarios, which for the record are made-up, are emotionally abusive. If his intentions were to push me harder or to show me kindness, they are forgivable. If his intention was to set me up to fail, they are not. See, it is tricky to identify. To do so one must have good communication, and trust their own insight in a situation where they have acknowledged they struggle. Trust that they made the right choice when they gave their consent to this person, or acknowledge that they made a mistake and withdraw it.
If my bottom discloses to me that they struggle with feelings of loneliness when they return to their vanilla lives, I may indulge a few extra post-play texts. Even when I know that they know I am engaged in my own vanilla responsibilities. If a moment of my time can make their transition easier, I will try to find that moment for them. If it seems though that it is not making their transition easier, that they are becoming more demanding, more needy and more unsettled, yellow flag. Is something else going on? Have I been too indulgent? If I opt to drop everything, give them the attention they are asking for and find they are now all smiles & giggles, yellow flag. Passive-aggressive tendencies? Manipulation? Just having a bad day, and I am overthinking the whole thing? Again, tricky to identify.
Those are largely made-up situations. I took much artistic license to create those examples. There have been so many real examples in this past year. I had a conversation with a friend going through a hard break-up, who was feeling abandoned by the community. I basically said to her, who would believe you? You're an intelligent, strong, beautiful woman, a solid nine on your worst day, who would believe that you were having a hard time untangling from this? Forgive me if that sounds like victim blaming, but ask me how I know.
My favorite scene in Interview with a Vampire, Louis is with Armand. Louis has asked if Armand can teach him to live without regret, and Armand has said that he can. Louis states that all he has is regret. Then he leans in very close, you would swear they are about to kiss. Remember that this is Brad Pitt and Antonio Banderas circa 1994, and Louis says, "No, you are dead and you want me to quicken you once more. And as much as your invitation might appeal to me, I must regretfully decline."
This chapter has closed. It ends with only regret. The story continues. Louis's story continues through many more books. My story, the stories of my friends, I hope, continues for many more decades. My regret stays here.
Growth comes from pain. Amazing, transforming growth from unimaginable pain. I no longer wonder if it hurts to turn to goo. We emerge stronger, more beautiful and capable of greater things. We fly in sunlight.
Long Distance
Tuesday, March 26, 2019
Monday, March 11, 2019
Tuesday, March 5, 2019
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