Let's Over Share

One of the articles I read while Googling in the waiting room of the ER suggested letting go of being embarrassed, and to consider it a badge of honor.

Alright let’s do that.

Ms. Cassidy is such a badass, so committed to the exploration of pleasure, that she spent several hours in the Emergency Room. She officially earned her "Survived Mortification" badge. 

How far back should I rewind to share this story? Then he said after dark, no wait that may be much too far back. Yesterday my top and I were having a general check-in and catch-up conversation. It was lovely, relaxed and informal. My top has an expectation that I speak like a lady. It’s a reasonable request, not that it must be. I have agreed he can ask anything of me, reasonableness is not a prerequisite. But again, this one is reasonable. Mostly, in the real world and in the fantasy world where I exist, I prefer gentle language as well. Um, except for when I don’t, sometimes F-bombs, suggestions to choke on **** and C-words just rain down on everyone. So, while all relaxed, informal, and engaged in a lovely conversation I may have casually said, “…jaded, bitter, c***.” I don't know, it seemed appropriate in context at the time.

The punishment he assigned was, compared to past punishments, lighter. I had to write fifty times; I will talk like a lady when I am speaking to my master. These were to be penned while, see I’m embarrassed already. Badge of honor, written with a butt plug inside of his pet. Oh, that helped too, his pet. That’s a standard when I am punished. I sought out and bought plugs I believed safer for extended use. Those pretty, sparkly ones are cute but using one while sitting for an extended period seemed like it would lead to one’s sphincter- did I really just write that word in my blog? You did, keep typing. OK it seems to me that a little round button of a jewel might just push on one’s sphincter enough to just pop inside, and wouldn’t that be a nightmare? So I, wishing to avoid nightmares, bought a collection of little pink plugs with anchor-like bases. They were too cheap; I remember thinking that. But also, they’re just little silicone toys. I’m such an elitist snob to question the quality because they are fairly priced, right?

I took a picture of the toy and thought of a silly and teasing thing I would say to my top later. I prepared to carry out my punishment, and I snapped another picture. This one was all legs and ass, if I am being punished my top should get to enjoy it, right? Then I sat down and zoned out writing.  

I zone out so hard when I am writing lines. My thoughts become so fluid, and my body feels like it is vibrating. I really should mind my language. Crass is not the impression I ever wish to make. It is a reasonable request. Requests from a top are essentially the same as limits. Would I violate a sub if they said cursing was a hard limit? Master John has such a gentle vernacular. It conveys patience. I am so lucky to belong to such a patient, gentle natured yet hardcore sadist. Oh this hurts a little, punishments hurt, relax and finish writing.

I finished and emailed my top the completed assignment, the teasing comments, the xxx picture, and my sincere affirmation that I will curb my language. Then I spent a moment tuning in to the experience I was having, all of it. How sweet our conversation had been. How much I appreciate his thoughts on everything. What is the depth of gratitude? 

The toy started to feel a bit pinchy. I decided I had pondered these thoughts enough for the night and I should take it out. And as I am gripping on one wing of that anchor-like base, my fluid, flowing thoughts are snapping back to attention. What is happening here? This doesn’t feel right. Then all synapsis were screaming, get it right now, something is wrong, just as the wing tore off in my hand and the rest of the toy slid all the way inside.

Once I got the blinding panic under control, I called Master John who helped me relax further. Unfortunately, even after laughing and relaxing well, it was clear I wasn’t going to be able to retrieve it on my own. He helped me find my courage, strategize how to manage my embarrassment and sent me to the ER. I engaged with a triage nurse, a physician assistant, a radiologist and a doctor; each of them helped me laugh through my embarrassment, and each assured me they have seen this a dozen times before. It was able to be retrieved without surgery, thankfully.

Master John’s pet survived this mortifying ordeal without lasting injury or scars; and feels ever braver for having the experience.

I mean, probably not so brave as to ever say the C-word within earshot of Master John, but the rest of you, perhaps I’ll see you next Tuesday. 

Alright, hold tight, well I don't even know

If I'm doing this right 

My audience on OnlyFans is a different demographic than the submissives I engage with in person. I've allowed my OnlyFans to evolve into a space that serves my exhibitionist fantasies, with less exclusivity to BDSM. In that way it is exactly serving and meeting my needs as a dominant, alpha female; but it is more vanilla friendly.  

A fan messaged me the other day inquiring about in person sessions. I replied as I do, tell me your BDSM goals. They responded by saying that they had no idea, they had never considered exploring D/s but I make it seem like so much fun that they feel like they're missing out now. 

What an affirmation that I am doing my job well. What an affirmation that I am living my life well. I can no longer tell where one stops and the other begins. They embrace each other, blend and bleed into each other. 

I've wanted to do a day in the life sort of entry for so long. It's challenging, so many of the very best parts just can't be shared here. 

Every morning I greet my top. I am dressed, my makeup is on, and I look my best. If it's a morning that is bending to my will, as most do, I have meditated and reflected on my gratitude for at least 5 minutes. If it is a challenging morning, some are, I re-order time and space so I can spend at least 20 minutes reflecting on my gratitude. I won't have my whole day undone by a little morning glitch. 

Every day I thank my top with sincerity. It is my most favorite part of my morning. It is this ever-growing, positive feedback loop that just continues to grow through infinity. I am finding it challenging to share, but I really want to. A person I hold in the highest regard is happy to know that I do, he wishes to hear that I do, I am more than happy to affirm because it makes me feel so good to do so. 

Rinse and repeat. 

I bought a new daily planner recently, a pretty aquamarine book with ribbons. Have we met? You know how much I love it, don't you. There's a section for goal setting. Like most similar journal-planner combos, it's just basic Goal Setting 101.  So, in one prompting section it asks you to imagine and describe in detail what a perfect day would look like. I might just ink right on it, which one? One night about a month ago I went to an invite only cfnm* party. I unexpectedly saw a scene friend I haven't seen in years. Like obviously not my nearest and dearest, just a person whose company I enjoy, but hadn't in such a long time. A small gift, but one that shouldn't be overlooked. Then I shared an engaging conversation with a new, naked, kinkster. Later in the evening he let me lock him in a cage and poke him with a stick. A stranger let me torment him just to have the experience, the expectation was nothing more than I wouldn't cause him great harm. Monday, I took Fiona for a walk in the rain. It was Monday, it was raining, and I have a poodle, I am pretty sure that's the proper way to spell perfect.  My world traveling, life-long friend came to visit recently. We saw Esther Hicks together. Yes, The Esther, and no, I didn't get the chance to tell her nor would I. For days we indulged in the most decedent foods and stimulating conversations. Oh wait, there was more, we played on a swing in the middle of the city while pigeons strutted around stealing snacks. Quintessential perfection. 

Are those D/s, BDSM, lifestyle experiences? Are they my work? This is how I, a lifestyle Domme, my top's submissive, spend my time. This is how I, as a creator, as a professional dominatrix, earn. This is why I pause, for as long as I need to, to connect with my gratitude, every day. 

A perfect day looks like each of those. It looks just like today.

*cfnm: clothed females, nude males