I Wonder if She Knows

Does she know that we're having a love affair? 

I have fantasized about telling her. Yet despite what you've heard, I'm really not that bold. 

It's funny how the rules are different for girls. 

About a year ago, maybe longer, my NY Love, who wasn't yet my NY Love, shared an idea that I have contemplated so many times since. She essentially said that the love she feels for others isn't dependent on how the person she loves feels about her. The object of her affection, of her love, doesn't have to reciprocate, mirror or love her back for her love to be valid, real, genuine. Her love, in the act of giving it to another grows and multiplies. It's her love that makes her feel good. 

I'm having an affair with my stylist. She doesn't know. I'll be embarrassed if you tell her. We meet every four weeks, like clockwork. I won't abide by roots. She puts me in black cape bondage, and I do my very best to be patient and still. She always remembers, sometimes better than myself, where I was jetting next when I was in her chair last. Doesn't it feel so good when someone witnesses you?  Every visit, she's asks about my work. She asks about my Top and knows exactly why there's that spot in my hair. She asks about my NY Love, and my vanillas.  She paints my hair, washes it.  She gives me this amazing scalp massage. I have to think about baseball to avoid moaning out loud. Then so slowly, painstakingly, section by section she blows me, blow dries my hair. Complimenting me continuously; it's so soft, it's getting so long, it's so shiny. She makes me look and feel so good. That I compensate her for her time really is irrelevant, especially to me. Every 4th Wednesday I feel so much love. 

She's my side piece though, an ongoing yet casual, soft affection. For me to reach the depths of passion I enjoy the most, I need intensity. A challenge or to be challenged, that's what wakes up the butterflies. Don't you love the butterflies? My trainer is my imaginary waifu. She's brilliant, a Gemini, you know my Sagittarius self can't resist The Twins. When I complain, when she makes me do pick-ups or stand on my tiptoes, it's like she's channeling my top. The longer you complain the more I'm going to have you do. Her eye crinkles aren't quite the same, but close enough to bring out my best. Every week, sometimes twice if I am feeling especially masochistic, I am pushed, guided, and encouraged to bring my best and just a little more. 

How lucky am I to have so many opportunities to give away my love? 

But please, promise you won't tell them, it'll make it weird. 

I Say You'll Miss Me

Culture Club - Miss Me Blind (youtube.com)

Now would I lie to you

It was my intention to write a "Five Reasons I Love having LDRs" post. Five or whatever number of reasons I came up with once I made the list. In my imagination it was a very neat and tidy post.  I would have used bullet points. Maybe proper quotes, complete sentences and correctly applied italics. The concept has been floating for at least a week. The story that sparked it happened a few weeks ago.

But much like I can't quite identify who in my life counts as a partner, I also can't edit these thoughts into a tidy, simple, Top Five List.  

For today the opposite of neat and tidy is conceptual, not sloppy, k? 

This is why I love being in long distance relationships....

A few weeks ago I was meditating. C had just headed back to country where C lives, my top was in route to somewhere, my Love in NY was not in NY, and she too was traveling while in her secondary home state. What can I say, I have a type and my type travels. Those weren't even the only travelers in my universe that day. Other people I love were also moving all around the country, and the world. So I'm sitting on my floor, lavender and jasmine are diffusing, I am Zen and filled with bliss. I am imaging their safe and stress-free travels, and my imagination wanders, as it does. What if C and my Top crossed each other in a hallway in some layover airport? They've never met, but would the love they each carry for me be drawn to the other? Would they turn their heads, and wonder why they feel compelled to smile at this stranger? As I was imagining that, I heard the echo of George Carlin, bitching about when someone asks you to give their love to So & So, in a stand-up routine. It is hysterical. I loved George, but what a silly thing to bitch about, even if it was funny.  And here I imagined so many people I love, and all of the places they were on that day, even the ones at home. Richmond, Manchester, Hawaii, South Carolina, Texas, Maine, how blessed am I, the whole list would take an absurd amount of time to document. 

This isn't an ode to being poly though, I have a different story I wish to share for that post. Soon. Maybe. 

As my lovers and love were busy all over the country, I was here and I was busy too. Well, once I was done contemplating my navel I was busy. 

That's why I love long distance relationships. My needs were not holding my partner/s back from what they were working on or enjoying that day, nor did they need me anything from me other than I hold their love. I don't know why George found that troublesome.  

I love having long distance relationships, because I want to be actively falling in love with my partners forever. I am a passionate person, and the ache I feel when it has been too long between visits burns deep. But I'd rather tend to that burn for eternity than ever again hear myself think, I am so tired of listening to you breathe. 

Having LDRs is allowing me to thoroughly enjoy these last moments of my not-so-little vanillas childhoods. There's nothing more important to me at this time, nothing that even comes close to as important. My partners get that, respect that, I think they love that for me. They have priorities and passions that come ahead of me, I love that for them. 

Every moment I spend with those I love is precious. The quick check-ins, and the longer catch-ups are equally treasured. When I am planning a visit, like I am right now (omg x infinity), I bounce around for days saying silly things like infinite omg, and when I come home, I will be glowing for weeks. 

So listen, I'm not sure how many reasons I gave, and I feel like it might need a tighter edit. But my To Do List says this gets done before I pack, and I have to pack now. Because the next part is the very best part of a long-distance relationship.