Ages ago I sought my top’s help with a rather volatile matter. The details are unimportant, but his advice included an observation that people will do anything to avoid being humiliated. I remember I disagreed with him. Well, that’s a bit like saying I remember it was a day that ended in a Y. I bet I said, are you sure Sir? People pay me to humiliate them. They tell me the special words that push their secret buttons, and they lean right in to being humiliated.
It came up again recently. Humiliation, it came up repeatedly recently.
Pathetic. Sad. Ridiculous. Delusional. He doesn’t even like you. He doesn’t want to spend time with you. He’s using you. He doesn’t care about you.
Red, red, red. I revoke my consent.
People will do anything to avoid feeling humiliated. Your
success highlights their stagnation. No one wants to be reminded of their
failures.
My top has exquisite taste. He is cultured, world traveled.
He has an eye for quality, and he is a true Taurus with an appreciation for
luxury. I was thoroughly out of line to have ever spoken to his pet that way.
There will be no ANTs here. Oh, I must remind him, he said we would revisit ANT
stomping and nutrition in July.
I had to quit smoking. I am not allowed to drink Diet Pepsi.
I can have an orgasm every time I have completed 3 moderate or intense
workouts. I think I am supposed to get 6 hours sleep a night. He only said that
once, we haven’t revisited it- shh don’t tell him my FitBit keeps track of my 4-hour average. I am to pay my bills on time. Every time I have a string of nightmares,
he makes a new suggestion. First it was to stop smoking pot before bed. Then to
stop eating 3 hours before bedtime. A year ago, he suggested it might be EMFs. I bought shungite.
He has some strong opinions about how I should care for
myself, and none of it directly benefits him. Perhaps I am delusional, but it does seem like he is pretty invested in my well-being. Personally, when I don’t
care about someone, I do nothing. I give exactly no attention to their nightmares, or their intake of harmful things.
Maybe he doesn’t like me. I mean I am a joy to be around, humble as fuck too. But maybe he just doesn't like charming, quick witted, dorks. Oh well, I’m still going to aim
for being delightful.
I have this fantasy, I have imagined it 1000s of times,
easily. I’m house sitting for my top. Well now it’s my top, it’s been both
Alton Brown and Johnny Depp in the past. Anyway, I am house sitting for my top
and he catches me watching his private, homemade movies. He gives me a choice; he
can call my parents to deal with me however they see fit or I can become his
sex slave. There’s an extensive list of the things he requires me to do, but
one of them is that I come to his house every morning. I let myself in, and
undress, and I wait. There’s a camera, and I know that sometimes he is watching
me and sometimes he is not. My fantasy always includes imaging that I am waiting, not knowing if he is
going to use me that day. On days that he engages with me, he makes me say why
I am there. He makes me say, that I am there so he can _____, if he wishes. There is a direct correlation between how horny I am and how explicit, and derogatory the language in the censored space is.
I’ve never told him that fantasy. I’ve never told anyone
that fantasy. I have subtly offered my encouragement when he has incidentally
done a thing that invokes a similar feeling. He often does things that feel
similar. But what are the feelings I am really aiming for? I feel so proud when he makes me say that I
am his sub, and that he owns me. I feel like I have earned that, and that I waited
a long time to have it. When I am waiting for him to arrive, when the time he
said he would be there has come and gone, I feel so anxious. He might have been in an accident, he might have changed his mind, or you know his meeting may have run over time. When my face was
covered in sweat and spit, both his and mine, the tears were all mine and things I just can’t bring
myself to type, when he said that I existed to suck his cock, time stopped. What? Did
he say that to me? Is that really what he said? It isn’t enough that I am on my
knees, that my make up is destroyed and my hair is tangled. I am covered in marks from our play earlier. I should be
reminded right now, in this moment, that I reordered time and space, that I flew here, to suck his cock, to be humiliated,
to be used. Lean into this, lean in hard. Fuck ya I did. I literally wrapped my
arms around his knees and pulled him as deep as I could as time started back
up. I did reorder time and space, because that is a thing in my command. I flew halfway across the country, again, with very little notice to give someone I love a
fantasy that includes a beautiful woman, his beautiful woman, jumps on a plane
to suck his cock when he snaps his fingers. I am on my knees, at his feet,
living out a fantasy I have imagined 1000s of times, easily. I am safely living
out several, rather elaborate, hard-wired, deeply nuanced and costly fantasies with someone
who adores me. Someone who tries to quiet my nightmares even when he is 1000s of miles away.
Yes Sir, as always you were spot-on and right. Most people will do anything to avoid feeling humiliated. They'll deflect. They’ll be cruel to people they love, real cruelty, outside of fantasy time, in real life. The things they imagine that might end in humiliation will be avoided like the plague. They will stay stagnant, living a life they hate, rather than risk failing. They will deny themselves their goals and fantasies, even simple easily attainable ones. They will allow resentment and jealousy to fester inside of them.
